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Title: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 15 January 2008, 00:33:37 Yeah, that's right. This is the topic that was missing. How could you all forget? YOU'RE JUST A BUNCH OF SORRY F-
*cough* Anyway, tell jokes 'n #####. For starters, read this: (http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/Banned_From_K-Mart.jpg) EDIT: Oh yeah, make sure to spoiler tag certain punchlines if possible, so people don't accidentally ruin the joke. Edit by Xero: No jokes of the bigot persuasion please. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: preventerWIND on 15 January 2008, 01:36:08 We shouldn't be telling any offensive jokes. But I guess 1 or 2 is alright, as long as everyones OK with it..
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 15 January 2008, 02:22:20 I would not be surprised if a mod locked it right now.
BUT I'LL SAVE IT WITH A SIMPLE CLEAN JOKE. A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything." Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 15 January 2008, 02:28:05 A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 15 January 2008, 03:41:17 Here's one my 1st period teacher told me.
---------------------- This American tourist takes a trip to Spain, and wishes to dine in one of their restraunts. As he walks into one, he sees someone devouring their meal with a pair of huge meatballs on the plate. His mouth waters and he calls over a waiter. He's poor at Spanish, so all he could manage to say was "Hey, waiter, uh... por favor, I want those huge meatballs." "Ah, I'm sorry sir. We're all fresh out today, those were the last. Would you mind coming in a different day?", the waiter replies. The tourist agrees and leaves for the day. The next day, he arrives back at the restaraunt, and calls over the same waiter. "Hey waiter, remember me? I want those meatballs." "Ah! Yes! Yes! We have some for you! We'll make some up for you this minute!" The man is seated happily and awaits his food. Moments later, the waiter comes out of the kitchen and places on the tourist's table a plate with two dinky puny meatballs. The tourist throws a tantrum and tosses the plate. "WHAT IS THIS!? Just because I'm American you think it's funny you give me these two tiny meatballs!?" The waiter quickly appologizes, and replies: [spoiler]"Oh, I'm so sorry sir. You see... the bull... he does not always lose..."[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 15 January 2008, 03:50:00 Hehe, wasn't actually expecting that punchline, while in a way, I was.
Speaking of jokes teachers tell: An old woman with a youthful spirit is on her deathbed when suddenly, a genie appears out of nowhere. He explains that he will grant her any three wishes. The woman looked down at her loyal cat, and then looked back up at the genie. "I wish I were young again!" Poof! She was young. She looked at herself and grew restless with her appearance. "I wish I were staggeringly beautiful!" Poof! She was absolutely gorgeous. She had a new life now! She was perfectly happy already with just these two wishes, but now she still had one left over. She looks over at her cat. He had been her faithful companion for so many years now. "I wish my cat was a handsome young man!" Poof! Standing before the woman was a handsome young man. They embraced and held a passionate kiss. The man leaned in towards the woman's ear and said: [spoiler]"Now don't you wish you didn't have me neutered?"[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Captain Sanoguchi on 15 January 2008, 04:34:30 Funny.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Edgecrusher on 15 January 2008, 07:48:03 I love how quickly this topic went down hill.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Speed Racer on 15 January 2008, 08:08:01 Yeah, I'm kind of surprised that the thread wasn't locked after the Jewish jokes.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Xero on 15 January 2008, 12:19:04 Why did the Xero ban everyone here?
Because they were being racist. Seriously people. Lay off the racist jokes. Edit: Unlocked topic....give it one more chance. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Majikn on 15 January 2008, 21:28:36 Two penguins are sitting in a bathtub. One says, "Pass me the soap, please" to which the other penguin replies, [spoiler]"What do I look like, a clock?"[/spoiler]
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Vinchenz Rock on 15 January 2008, 21:30:42 NO SOAP, RADIO!
Yeah, I was wondering why this topic suddenly unlocked. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Majikn on 15 January 2008, 21:33:04 I used my magic powers on Xero.
Actually he decided all on his own to give it another chance. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 15 January 2008, 21:34:42 I requested it be brought back with the removal of all the slander.
Anyway, I didn't get Maj's joke. Some kind of reference? Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Vinchenz Rock on 15 January 2008, 21:38:24 Oh.
SO THIS ONE JE- *Banned* To Chaos: I think that's just a different version of "NO SOAP, RADIO!" where the joke's not supposed to be funny, but half the people were payed to laugh. Even though the joke's not funny, somehow the people who fake laughed made the other people laugh at the not-so-funny joke. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 15 January 2008, 21:39:04 Oh, I see the idea. Unless we're all just really missing the punchline here.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 15 January 2008, 21:39:48 I like stoners better.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Xero on 15 January 2008, 21:42:09 On a lighter note....jokes about sex and dead babies are fine.
Let Speed show you how it's done! Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Vinchenz Rock on 15 January 2008, 21:43:21 Oh, I see the idea. Unless we're all just really missing the punchline here. No, don't worry, it's just a test run by crazy people who like to make people fake laugh. Anyway, the original joke goes like this: One day, two elephants were taking a bath. One of the elephants asks the other elephant to pass the soap. The other elephant replies with, [spoiler]"NO SOAP, RADIO!"[/spoiler] Whenever this joke is posted on GameFAQs, half of the users "laugh" and the other users go, "I don't get it." One day this was posted, though... it was quite epic. This guy litterally posted a two page essay on why the joke was funny. It included things like, "The other elephant, perplexed that they can both fit into the bath..." and stuff. That was the REAL punchline of the topic. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: preventerWIND on 15 January 2008, 21:47:06 How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?
[spoiler]Open the door, put the giraffe in, and close the door.[/spoiler] How do you put an elephant in the fridge? [spoiler]Take out the giraffe and put the elephant in.[/spoiler] The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? [spoiler]The elephant, it's still in the fridge.[/spoiler] : \ Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Majikn on 15 January 2008, 21:47:55 On a lighter note....jokes about sex and dead babies are fine. *amphetamine sulphate* Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 15 January 2008, 21:48:46 How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Heard it as a "Pay attention" test, which is a poor test. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 15 January 2008, 21:49:08 Wind, thanks for reminding me of that. There was a kid that used to pull that routine all the time.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: preventerWIND on 15 January 2008, 21:50:20 You're a towel.How do you put a giraffe in the fridge? Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: White Shadow on 15 January 2008, 22:22:13 On a lighter note....jokes about sex and dead babies are fine. QFTW Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Slugkid on 15 January 2008, 22:24:05 How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?I know the next one. How to cross a river habitated by alligators? [spoiler] Swimming, the alligators were at the party![/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Voulnet on 15 January 2008, 22:30:33 Three words to destroy a man's ego?
[spoiler]Is it in?[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Vinchenz Rock on 15 January 2008, 22:43:37 I just remembered that there was a comic in here that Lunchebox posted about. I didn't read it, due to the fact that I scrolled down and saw panties (and I didn't want anyone at school thinking I'm looking at it for the wrong reasons) so I exited.
I guess it must've been something racist, huh? Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 15 January 2008, 22:47:45 Very.
Well, more sad, really. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Slugkid on 15 January 2008, 23:14:21 There was mickey and minnie mouse. And mickey says
"Minnie, I want to break up" "WHAT?! Mickey, are you f***ing crazy?! [spoiler] No, I am F***ing Daisy! [/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Voulnet on 15 January 2008, 23:15:42 Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says:
[spoiler]"That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Xero on 15 January 2008, 23:41:15 XD
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 16 January 2008, 00:05:24 Heheh, that reminds me of an Alabama joke.
A teenage girl walks up to her father and asks if she could borrow the car. The father responds, "Sure, but you know what you have to do...". The girl nods, unzips his pants, and begins to give him a blowjob. After she gets finished, her father hands her the keys. As she gets up and walks away, she turns around and asks her father why the job tasted funny. The father thinks a little bit and replies: [spoiler]"Oh yeah, your brother asked to borrow the car earlier."[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 16 January 2008, 00:11:28 ...that's... ugh.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Voulnet on 16 January 2008, 00:18:55 These three guys were stranded on this african island with no hope of getting off for a long time. Then this 500 pound black tribe guy came out of some bushes and said "Okay, I give you two choices......death or bongo."
The first guy said, "I have a lot to live for; my wife and kids are at home. I choose bongo." The big guy takes him aside and starts raping him. The second guy sees this and doesn't think it looks so bad so he also chooses bongo. Then two 550 pound black guys come out of the bushes and they get it on right there. The third guy is disgusted by this, so he chooses death. After saying this, fourteen 550 pound black guys come out of the bushes screaming: [spoiler] "DEATH BY BONGO!!!!!!"[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 16 January 2008, 00:22:20 The only reason I love that joke is because EVERY TIME I hear it, it's a different word. Bongo, oonga-boonga, blarga, doogie-boogie, anything.
That's what makes it enjoyable. The joke isn't all that funny anymore, but maybe that's only because I've heard it so damn much. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 16 January 2008, 00:54:49 No it's just not really that funny. Well, "Death by Bongo" is probably the only funny version 'cause those other phrases-safe just "Bongo"-wouldn't be funny.
Anyway.. A woman brings 8-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight year old daughter. Johnny's mother says: "Let's not be too harsh on them. They are bound to be curious about sex at that age." [spoiler]"Curious about sex?!" Replies Mary's mother. "He was taken her #####ing appendix out!"[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 16 January 2008, 01:01:10 I loved Doctors and Nurses....
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 16 January 2008, 01:07:01 Hehe, nice.
Jim was excited to take Sally to the prom. He showed up promptly at 8:00, and Sally's father opened the front door to greet him. "Sally will be down shortly, she's just finishing up." "Okay, sir." "Just come on in and sit down, then." "Yes, sir." "Now, Jimmy-boy, you know what you should do with Sally tonight? She really likes to, oh, what do you call it? She likes to screw. You two should screw." Jim was taken aback by this. He sat nervously and twiddled his fingers. "Sally really does love to screw, Jimmy-boy. She screws every day, almost. Well, she would if she could. Every chance she gets, my little old Sally is screwing." Jim couldn't take it anymore. He felt incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. Just then, Sally walked down the steps and caught a glimpse of Jim's face. It was so pale and frozen in nervous fear. She immediately put two and two together and gave her father a stern look. She said, [spoiler]"Dad, for the last time, it's called the TWIST!"[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Slugkid on 16 January 2008, 01:13:33 Could anybody explain the phrasal verbs seemingly not taught in my english class please?
Thanks. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 16 January 2008, 01:27:21 To Screw= to Have sex.
The Twist= A simple dance, which is accomplished by one making motions as if they are wiping their ass with a towel and putting out 2 cigarette butts at the same time. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Slugkid on 16 January 2008, 01:29:50 Thank you.
*Re-reads* Lol. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 16 January 2008, 01:32:06 You're welcome.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Speed Racer on 16 January 2008, 01:40:16 On a lighter note....jokes about sex and dead babies are fine. QFTW? Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Xero on 16 January 2008, 01:42:39 Just make with the dead baby jokes.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 16 January 2008, 01:44:13 Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 16 January 2008, 01:46:10 He has, or at least used to have, respect for the medical staff of our world, Mike. What's not to understand?
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 16 January 2008, 01:46:53 ...
I don't need to elaborate on one of my childhood past times if I don't want to. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Speed Racer on 16 January 2008, 02:02:26 Just make with the dead baby jokes. I ran out of them a couple of years ago. I haven't heard any good ones that are new. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Voulnet on 16 January 2008, 03:32:11 Then tell us the old ones.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 16 January 2008, 03:35:14 I remember one Lunche mentioned that's marked as my favorite.
What's worse than a trash can full of dead babies? [spoiler]One's alive at the bottom.[/spoiler] What's worse than that? [spoiler]It eats it's way to the top.[/spoiler] What's worse than THAT? [spoiler]It goes back for seconds.[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 16 January 2008, 04:10:32 One final answer is:
[spoiler]One dead baby in ten trash cans.[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Jakey on 16 January 2008, 05:26:19 How many ugly losers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[spoiler]you[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: White Shadow on 16 January 2008, 12:38:09 On a lighter note....jokes about sex and dead babies are fine. Quoted. For. The. Win. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: preventerWIND on 16 January 2008, 19:22:38 Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies in my garage and a ferrari in my garage?
[spoiler]I don't have a ferrari in my garage.[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Voulnet on 16 January 2008, 21:22:23 Question, did you just make that up?
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Kamon on 16 January 2008, 21:51:48 I rememeber Speed posting that one before, but it was a Porche.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 16 January 2008, 22:35:07 Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies in my garage and a ferrari in my garage? You're doing it wrong. It's "What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari" [spoiler]I don't have a ferrari in my garage.[/spoiler] Alternatively, the joke can be used with any model of car. Now: More Dead Baby jokes. What's the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls? [spoiler]You can't unload the truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.[/spoiler] Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? [spoiler]To see the expression on it's face when you drop it in.[/spoiler] Why did the five year old drop the ball? [spoiler]A truck hit him.[/spoiler] What's green and red and goes a hundred miles per hour? [spoiler]Frog in a blender.[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Voulnet on 16 January 2008, 23:27:22 (http://www.affiliatestudent.co.uk/images/questions/answer4.jpg)
(http://www.affiliatestudent.co.uk/images/questions/answer1d.jpg) (http://www.affiliatestudent.co.uk/images/questions/answer1a.jpg) Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 16 January 2008, 23:57:14 Seen 'em all before.
I like one of those that's a report on Oedipus, and how he goes ballin' wit gangstas. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 17 January 2008, 00:02:07 (http://i65.photobucket.com/albums/h204/snozberry_/test2.gif)
(http://i65.photobucket.com/albums/h204/snozberry_/test4.jpg) (http://i65.photobucket.com/albums/h204/snozberry_/test5.jpg) My personal favorites that I found. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 17 January 2008, 00:11:29 Those are so played.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Voulnet on 17 January 2008, 00:15:12 Doesn't have to be real, though.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 17 January 2008, 00:17:42 Little Johnny came home one day and told his dad he had a tough day in math.
"What happend?" asked his dad. "The teacher got mad at me." Little Johnny grumbled. "What for?" his dad asked. "She asked me what 2 x 3 was. I told her 6." "Well, that's right." "I know, but then she asked me what 3 x 2 was." "Christ! It's the same #####ing thing!" Cried the father. [spoiler]"I know! That's exactly what I told her!"[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 17 January 2008, 00:21:13 That made me smile.
Why did the rooster cross the basterball court? [spoiler]He heard that the ref was blowing "fouls"[/spoiler] /lame Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 17 January 2008, 00:22:05 The basterball court?
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 17 January 2008, 00:50:49 John spelled it wrong, it's Bastardball.
Basically, it's like basketball, but you're encouraged to punch, hit, kick, humiliate, and otherwise brutalize other players. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 17 January 2008, 00:57:15 (http://content.ytmnd.com/content/c/7/6/c7606fc3b4951ffa7dd670f86dd43215.jpg)
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: NovaMan XP on 17 January 2008, 01:46:00 (http://www.halolz.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/snake-dahdahdahdah.jpg)
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 17 January 2008, 01:57:31 Ahaha, awesome.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 17 January 2008, 03:19:31 Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 17 January 2008, 16:13:34 A riddle joke for you.
A guy rides into a hotel on Tuesday. Stays two nights, two days. Leaves on Wednesday. How is this possible? [spoiler]His horse's name is Wednesday![/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: SacredFireman on 17 January 2008, 18:36:34 An old joke I read in an e-mail.
Turkish scientists found evidence of copper wiring in ancient Turkey roughly 1000 years ago and so the scientists decided this meant that the Turks had some kind of basic communication devices. Greek scientists not wanting to be outdone searched and found similar wiring that dated to 1500 hundred years ago and made the announcement that the Greeks had ommunication even earlier than the Turks. The Turkish scientists took one more archeological search and found that their was copper wiring dating to roughly 2000 years ago and so they made their announcement once more. The Greeks decided to look one more time but they found no copper wiring and they decided it meants only one thing. [spoiler]2500 years ago Greeks had already created Wi-Fi[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 18 January 2008, 04:30:07 A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." [spoiler]The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You #####ing lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Voulnet on 18 January 2008, 10:16:37 Haha, gotta love that wife. She's got confidence in her husband.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 18 January 2008, 13:59:31 Clever. Clever. I like that one.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 18 January 2008, 15:04:06 Clever. Clever. I like that one. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 19 January 2008, 02:21:47 I like this one better.
This virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." [spoiler]The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 19 January 2008, 03:03:25 That's hilarious, man.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 19 January 2008, 04:32:54 Someone at Wendy's just told me this one.
What do you call a psychic midget escaping prison? [spoiler]A small medium at large.[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 19 January 2008, 04:44:47 Mike, that was friggin hilarious.
I'm gonna tell all my friends. CV, heard it, but still decent. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Voulnet on 19 January 2008, 10:14:15 Mike, f*ck man, that SUCKS. XD
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 19 January 2008, 22:55:00 I got one.
So there's this motorcycle enthusiast, and his girlfriend invites him to have dinner with her parents. So, just before he leaves, he grabs a jar of Vaseline, because he knows it's gonna rain later, and doesn't want the rain to ruin his bike. So he gets to the girl's house, and she greets him at the door. She then says to him "I should have told you this before, but... We used to fight about who would do the dishes after dinner ALL the time, so now the rule is whoever says ANYTHING at dinner will have to do the dishes, so make sure you don't say anything." Sure enough, when he glanced in the kitchen, there was a mountain of dirty dishes piled up in the sink. So, dinner rolls around, and there is silence around the table. The guy decides to see how far he can go with this.... And nails the daughter right on the table. The parents are angry, and the daughter.... Annoyed. But no one says a thing. The guy decides to nail the mother next, and does so. Daughter is pissed, and the father is FURIOUS. The mother is a little more relaxed. Guy looks outside, and notices it's starting to rain. So he stands up and pulls the Vaseline out of his pocket, causing the father to jump up and say: [spoiler]"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'LL DO THE DISHES, BUT FOR GODSAKES, DON'T DO IT![/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Vinchenz Rock on 19 January 2008, 23:00:59 I rofl'd.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 19 January 2008, 23:12:42 Heard it, but in the exact same way.
Memory or copy-paste? Props if memory. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 20 January 2008, 04:23:11 That was awesome Lunche.
Internet Hi-five! [/lame] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 20 January 2008, 04:26:55 Heard it, but in the exact same way. Memory. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 20 January 2008, 04:32:01 Thus, props.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 20 January 2008, 15:39:08 *gives props*
Now you can tell the joke like Carrot Top! Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: SacredFireman on 23 January 2008, 02:12:16 I don't get Lunche's punchline...*feels stupid*
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 23 January 2008, 02:22:02 You should. It's quite obvious.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 23 January 2008, 02:24:13 I'm trying to think of other ways that it could be interpreted. I think it's extremely obvious.
I mean, it's the sort of thing that even if you're too young to understand, you'd still laugh at and THINK you understood. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 23 January 2008, 02:28:25 I don't think you can be too young to understand it, just to hear it.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 23 January 2008, 04:36:09 I don't get Lunche's punchline...*feels stupid* The vaseline, as I established earlier, was for his bike (Because, apparently it protects your bike in the rain). Vaseline is also used by some couples as lubricant (And Protip: if you're using a condom for protection, then using vaseline is generally a bad idea, since it essentially eats away at the latex, making the condom useless). And since he just nailed the daughter and the mother, well the dad thought he was going to lube up to put it in a very uncomfortable place... [spoiler]The back of a Volkswagon.[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 23 January 2008, 05:26:36 I love Mallrats.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 24 January 2008, 01:17:41 A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings..." [spoiler]"... I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 24 January 2008, 01:28:55 ...hehe. I giggled. Just a giggle, though.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 24 January 2008, 01:29:16 I didn't even smile.
Puns are ineffective. Clever though. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: preventerWIND on 24 January 2008, 01:43:48 *Ba-dum tss!*
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Vinchenz Rock on 24 January 2008, 01:49:02 I smilied. >_>
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 24 January 2008, 02:09:35 A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v225/Lunchebox/JokerFacepalm.jpg) Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 24 January 2008, 03:34:55 ...hehe. I giggled. Just a giggle, though. *Ba-dum tss!* I smilied. >_> http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v225/Lunchebox/JokerFacepalm.jpg These replies are acceptable. My mission is accomplished. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 25 January 2008, 01:43:25 A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!' 'I got every word,' says the parrot 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ...' 'Oh yeah?' the man asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.' The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!' The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.' 'What are you talking about?' asks the man. 'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy says incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...' Then the frantic man screams, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?' [spoiler]'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!' [/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 25 January 2008, 01:48:49 That made me chuckle.
EDIT: Heh, I found it even funnier when I read it out loud with dialogue. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 25 January 2008, 03:32:03 That makes me smile.
I chuckled out loud a bit too. I'll make sure to pass it on. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 25 January 2008, 05:30:32 Oldie but a goodie. I have a similar joke, let see if I remember it right.
So there's this burglar, and he's been staking out this house, owned by a well off family, for a few weeks, and waits for a night when the family is out. So, taking advantage of this opportunity, breaks in, and begins to walk around. He hears a voice. "Oberon is watching you." He does a double take, but sees no one in the darkened house. He shrugs, assumes he's just hearing things, and starts taking things from the shelves, anything expensive looking. "Oberon is watching you." This time, he knows FOR SURE he heard a voice. So he starts to stalk around the general direction he heard the voice from, flashlight in hand. "Oberon is watching you." He spins around with his flashlight, and sees the source of the voice. A parrot. "Oberon is watching you." So, jokingly, he asks the parrot "Oh yeah? And who's that?". The parrot replies: [spoiler]Oberon is the big pitbull behind you.[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Speed Racer on 25 January 2008, 07:15:50 I've heard that one before, except they switched the name Oberon with Jesus. Personally, I like the Jesus version better.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 25 January 2008, 07:56:52 I was sure how it ended with the name Jesus, so I used the Oberon version.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 25 January 2008, 14:31:16 Yeah, the Jesus version would've been funnier.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Majikn on 25 January 2008, 17:27:39 I think you'd have difficulty finding a guy who doesn't know who Jesus is, though.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 25 January 2008, 21:17:46 I think you'd have difficulty finding a guy who doesn't know who Jesus is, though. Exactly. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 25 January 2008, 21:30:47 Yeah, I realized that today when I wanted to tell the joke word-for-word...
... so I didn't. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Vinchenz Rock on 27 January 2008, 19:45:48 That wasn't very funny. Not in the slightest.
It was offensive though! Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: megajosh2 on 27 January 2008, 19:47:17 It was only supposed to be offensive... :D
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 27 January 2008, 19:50:18 ...this is the comedy thread, not the "let's tell gruesomely descriptive stories about murderous rampages and incestual love."
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Xero on 27 January 2008, 19:51:32 Don't ever post again.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: megajosh2 on 27 January 2008, 19:58:43 I knew this would make peole angry...
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 27 January 2008, 20:00:20 What made you think THAT would be appropriate? If you'd read the thread, you'd know that we already decided it was bad taste to post simple racial jokes.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: megajosh2 on 27 January 2008, 20:03:40 1. I didn't think it would be appropriate, I wanted to post an offensive, gruesome ass joke.
2. My joke isn't racial...you say it as if it is. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 27 January 2008, 20:05:15 I meant that if we established that racial jokes are inappropriate... why would you think -
Ugh. In a nutshell, I'm asking you if you really think what you just posted is even anywhere NEAR more appropriate than racial jokes, which we already deemed as a cutoff point. Nevermind, I stopped caring. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Speed Racer on 27 January 2008, 20:09:25 It's like a "aristocrats" joke, only worse.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 27 January 2008, 20:10:54 That was like the down syndrome version of an Aristocrats joke.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: megajosh2 on 27 January 2008, 20:11:56 How the HELL is that worse an an aristocrats joke? Don't make me post one...
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 27 January 2008, 20:13:27 Aristocrats jokes are funny. You're not.
And don't post one. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: megajosh2 on 27 January 2008, 20:15:19 I was just trying to be gross and offensive...
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 27 January 2008, 20:16:00 This isn't the Gross and Offensive Thread.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Vinchenz Rock on 27 January 2008, 20:17:19 Yeah, Josh, just stop posting gross and offensive stuff for the purpose of being gross and offensive. It's not funny and only makes you look stupider.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: megajosh2 on 27 January 2008, 20:29:11 Alright alright I won't post another joke like that...
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 27 January 2008, 21:12:21 Damn right.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 27 January 2008, 21:35:56 I can't believe I actually kept reading into that believing it was a joke. Thank God I skipped it and went straight to the "punchline".
That was the dumbest thing I've read in a while. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: White Shadow on 28 January 2008, 02:38:05 Deleted that thing because... do I even need a reason?
It's gone. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Speed Racer on 30 January 2008, 02:55:56 Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a potato?
A: A potato doesn't scream when you cut it's eyes out. Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbu...wanna go bike riding? Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 30 January 2008, 03:42:46 There's so many forms of ADD jokes. I've heard one Comedian say one in an act.
"So, I recently went to the doctor, and he informed me that I had something called ADD. Apparently, it stands for Attention Defecit... wow, that's a nice necklace you've got right there, where did you get that!?" Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 30 January 2008, 03:53:54 PLASTIC BAG! PLASTIC BAG! PLASTIC BAG! PLASTIC BAG! PLASTIC BAG! PLASTIC BAG!
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Captain Sanoguchi on 30 January 2008, 04:28:55 There's so many forms of ADD jokes. I've heard one Comedian say one in an act. Not funny, also some people here might have ADD and find that really rude. *coughcough* Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 30 January 2008, 04:30:05 I don't think they'll pay attention long enough to be offended.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Captain Sanoguchi on 30 January 2008, 04:38:51 It's ADD, not retardation.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 30 January 2008, 05:48:07 It's ADD, not retardation. ... That one flew right over your head, didn't it? Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Vinchenz Rock on 30 January 2008, 05:57:57 I thought the exact same thing.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 30 January 2008, 19:51:44 Not funny, also some people here might have ADD and find that really rude. *coughcough* Learn to laugh at yourself. I'm not prescribed as ADD, but I do act like it sometimes myself yet I still find it funny. Besides, I wasn't making fun of you at all, so chill. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Captain Sanoguchi on 31 January 2008, 00:04:28 It's ADD, not retardation. No, I got it. It still isn't funny. Not funny, also some people here might have ADD and find that really rude. *coughcough* Acting like you're retarded can be funny, but is being retarded funny? Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 31 January 2008, 00:26:31 Kind of.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 31 January 2008, 01:11:57 It's hard to mix ADD humor with retarded humor.
For example, I'm willing to act like I have ADD in front of your face just for laughs. However, I'd never act retarded in front of the mentally disabled. It's a different story. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: preventerWIND on 31 January 2008, 01:17:53 OCD on the other hand, is a riot. I have a friend that has a mild case, and we were all in one room playing video games when he made a horking sound, as if he were about to cough up a beaver. Some of us laughed a bit and he told us not to laugh, not 2 minutes later he did it again even louder. Everyone bursted into laughter.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 31 January 2008, 01:37:01 Major OCD is depressing to watch in action.
Michael J. Fox played a doctor with extreme OCD problems on Scrubs once, for two episodes, and the end of the first episode really bothered me emotionally. He had a rant about how... like... Here, watch: EDIT: http://youtube.com/watch?v=4AluiPWYl5A Thank you, Youtube. There's the scene. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Vinchenz Rock on 31 January 2008, 05:19:58 I think I have OCD because my mom has it... but I handle it fine.
I just more or less triple check things, and thats about it... though, honestly, no matter how bad I want to do that, I can NOT do it. It just hurts. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 31 January 2008, 20:46:28 Oh please, ADD isn't serious, anyone and their mother can be diagnosed with ADD, and not really have it.
It happened to me in Middle School. ADHD, on the other hand... I had a friend who had it, and damn was it funny. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 31 January 2008, 21:59:48 I think I have OCD because my mom has it... but I handle it fine. That sounds more like anal-retentiveness. I don't think obsessive-compulsive disorder is hereditary. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 28 February 2008, 23:09:42 My friend told me this joke. I'll see if I can post it correctly. It's probably better if you told it rather than read it.
An elementary school teacher was teaching her class that there was no such thing as a stuttering problem. A girl in the classroom raises her hand. "Yes Jenny?", asked the teacher. "That's not true. I had a cat who had a stuttering problem!" "Really?, responded the intrigued teacher. "Would you care to share with us?" "Yeah. Our neighbor has this really mean dog that hates our cat. They get into fights all the time, but my cat just taunts it from over the fence. One day, the dog jumped over the fence..." [spoiler]"... my cat stuttered 'F-F-F-F-' but by then it was dead. It never got a chance to even say '##### ME'."[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 29 February 2008, 01:58:21 It's probably better if you told it rather than read it. Yeah. -- So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1: These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2: These men have Jobs and Love Kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3: These men have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and help with Housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5: These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: [spoiler]Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: NovaMan XP on 29 February 2008, 02:05:23 Mikero, that was great.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 29 February 2008, 02:06:09 I'll post the follow up later.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 29 February 2008, 02:13:34
I know a naughtier version of this joke, that I can't post here. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 29 February 2008, 02:29:08 Me too.
Anyway, follow-up; To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opens a New Wives store just across the street. The 1st first floor has wives that love sex. The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money. [spoiler]The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Lunchebox on 29 February 2008, 02:42:23 Zing!
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Johncarllos on 29 February 2008, 02:48:34 Those are freakin' great.
I intend to share them with all my friends. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: BlackMcJack on 29 February 2008, 03:10:03 For a graduation present, a family gets a girl a ticket to New York in America. While there she loses track of her money and couldn't afford to get back home, so she decides to stow away on a boat. The captain finds her and after much begging and pleading, she works a deals with him. a few days later a crewman finds her and she tells him her story. He then ask her what her deal with the captain was. She tells that the captain will take her home if she screws him . The crewman laugh and says.....
[spoiler]No he's been screwing you, this is a ferry to Long Island[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 29 February 2008, 11:50:54 I liked Mike's jokes.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: guitaristjoe on 1 March 2008, 14:17:07 Alright...
A guy walks into the doctors office and and is with his doctor. The doctor says "Sir, you must stop masturbating." The man asks why and the doctor says... [spoiler]"Because I'm trying to examine you."[/spoiler] Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ChaosVortex on 27 March 2008, 13:12:19 V
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: preventerWIND on 27 March 2008, 16:38:02 I lol'd hard.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 2 April 2008, 02:37:02 I only smiled at "A cat is fine too."
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 2 April 2008, 17:30:10 Yeah. "Get back here" was OK too I guess.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: preventerWIND on 1 May 2008, 19:09:32 It's clever, not exactly funny though.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 2 May 2008, 04:51:51 The second half doesn't make sense.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Slugkid on 2 May 2008, 15:56:24 I didn't mean to spell "funny" like> "fuinny".. Shoulda spell checked.The edit button is there for something... Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Mikero on 23 July 2008, 00:23:29 ... ha.
::) Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 23 July 2008, 01:07:06 It's like an even lamer version of
Wanna' hear a dirty joke? Billy played in the mud. Wanna' hear a clean joke? Billy took a bath with bubbles. Wanna' hear a dirty joke? Bubbles is the girl next door. Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Yubi Shines on 23 July 2008, 04:25:58 Why being into cats is essentially the same as being into psychotic tweakers. (http://nodogsonbeach.livejournal.com/265079.html)
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: ASR on 23 July 2008, 04:34:54 I rather enjoyed that.
Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: Chron on 23 July 2008, 14:58:00 Some cats aren't quite like that, but they have to be fat and lethargic and de-clawed (and maybe almost dead). But there's this one cat I know...
... not only is it like that, it tries to go for your tendons and privates with its razor sharp death claws. Sneaks about like it's hunting you and everything. So right, since this is a comedy thread, let's all watch an episode of "You Bet Your Life (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7T-OkqqyfkU)". Title: Re: The Comedy Thread Post by: AlexThePenguin on 24 July 2008, 05:49:48 My cat's like that, but without attacking the weak points. She also likes to kill our TV speakers with her claws.
And now, she has four little ones: Two adorable, chillaxed love machines-in-training, one adorable-but-loud police siren-in-training, and one adorable jerkface tom cat-in-training (he's the ginger one). |