The MBoard

If I'm right, you're probably thinking "I don't know for sure if I get it." Good for you, it's my fault.

As stupid as it was, I probably only posted it because subconsciously I think it's hilarious that Wily and Light are in a bed together.

##### YOU WIND!

NO THEY DO NOT AND IRRELEVANT

this is just a fun little detour phase I'm going through.

... why is House not on your list of favorites?

IN ABSOLUTELY NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
- Lost
- Heroes
- House
- Seinfeld
- South Park
- Scrubs
- The Office UK
- Entourage
- Flight of the Conchords
- Doctor Who
- Peep Show
- The Office
- Invader Zim
- Clone High
- Kenan & Kel
- Arrested Development
- Curb Your Enthusiasm
- Extras
- Dead Like Me

For Space Rez, I'm pretty sure I actually traced your original drawing. I still love it.

It's only half-finished right now. The only reason I'm posting it now is because I don't think I'll ever fully finish it. I've still got so much more to do, and I'm leaving for college soon, and then I'll never touch it again. So, this has taken months to get even this far. Appreciate this much.

====================================
= FRIEND APPLICATION FOR ALEC ROBBINS =
====================================

So you want to be a friend of Alec Robbins? Pssh.
It's not as easy as that. In fact, Alec puts his friends
through a rigorous mental evaluation that, until now,
has never been revealed.

Alec is a tired man, and is far too busy to personally
evaluate everyone he meets to see if they are worthy
of being his friend.

Please fill out the following form and check your scores
to see if you are a compatible friend for the amazingly
fantastic Alec Robbins!

====================================

01) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
If Green: +10 points
If Blue: -10 points

02) DO YOU HAVE A BRITISH ACCENT?
If Yes: +100 points

03) HAVE YOU EVER PLAYED A MEGAMAN GAME?
If Yes: +10 points

04) DO YOU HAVE BOOBS?
If Yes: +10 points and move to Questions 04A and 04B
If No: Skip Questions 04A and 04B

04A) HOW BIG ARE THEY?
If Small: Please grow bigger boobs for the good of mankind
If Sorta Big: +10 points
If Big: +20 points
If Huge: +30 points

04B) ARE YOU MALE OR FEMALE?
If Male: -20 points. Eat less.
If Female: Good, good, good. The bigger the better.
If Lopez: Sorry, bro.

05) DOES THE NUMBER "42" MEAN ANYTHING SIGNIFICANT TO YOU?
If Yes: +20 points

06) DOES ROBERT DOWNEY JR. GIVE YOU A BONER/GET YOUR PANTIES WET?
If Yes: +10 points
If No: -10 points

07) DO YOU HAVE THE LYRICS TO ANY 90'S CARTOON THEME SONG MEMORIZED?
If Yes: +10 points and move on to Question 07A
If No: Skip Question 07A

07A) IS IT POKEMON?
If Yes: -10 points

08) DID YOU BUY POKEMON RED OR POKEMON BLUE?
If Red: +10 points
If Blue: -10 points
If Neither: -20 points

09) ADD 5 POINTS FOR EACH OF THE FOLLOWING MOVIES YOU SAW AND ENJOYED:
- Shaun of the Dead
- Hot Fuzz
- Pulp Fiction
- Requiem for a Dream
- Clerks

10) ADD 5 POINTS FOR EACH OF THE FOLLOWING TV-SHOWS YOU HAVE SEEN AT
LEAST 3 EPISODES OF AND ENJOYED:
- Spaced
- Lost
- Arrested Development
- The Office (UK Version)
- Curb Your Enthusiasm
- Dead Like Me
- Invader Zim

11) HAVE YOU EVER BEEN NAKED IN PUBLIC?
If Yes: +10 points

12) IF WE HAD FIVE MINUTES LEFT BEFORE THE WORLD WAS UNDOUBTEDLY GOING
TO END, WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH ME?
If Yes: +10 points and move on to Question 12A

12A) ARE YOU MALE OR FEMALE?
If Male: +10 points. That's loyalty, man.
If Female: -10 points. Don't act like you'd ONLY do it if we had a few minutes left to live. Tease.

13) IF I WERE TO, SAY, RUN OVER YOU IN A CAR, WOULD YOU STILL BE MY FRIEND?
If Yes: +10 points. That's loyalty, man.
If No: -10 points. I'm not paying for the hospital bill, traitor.
If Lopez: Sorry, bro.

14) WHICH CONTROLLER DO YOU USE IN SUPER SMASH BROS. BRAWL?
If Gamecube Controller: +10 points for keepin' it real
If Classic Controller: -10 points for #####in' with the system
If Wiimote + Nunchuk: -10 points for not going out and getting a Gamecube controller
If Wiimote sideways: -20 points for being a backwards asshat that doesn't know #####
If you don't play Brawl: -20 points for being a dickwad

15) DOES YOUR NAME START WITH THE LETTER "Q"?
If Yes: That is some badass #####. Mad props. No points, though. Your mom was probably drunk.

16) ARE YOUR INITIALS "ASR"?
If Yes: -100 points. We can't be in the same room together or the world will implode.

17) DO YOUR INITIALS SPELL OUT SOMETHING COOL LIKE "FUK" OR "VAG"?
If Yes: +50 points. Best #####ing friends forever.

18) ARE YOU ANNOYING AS #####?
If Yes: -100 points. Stop being annoying as ##### so people will like you.

19) DO YOU LIKE SHIA LEBOUF?
If Yes: -20 points
If No: +10 points

20) DID YOU CHEAT ON THIS TEST TO GET A HIGHER SCORE?
If Yes: +10 points. Glad you love me so much.
If No: -10 points. ##### you, try harder to be my friend!

====================================

Add up your score if you want, it's meaningless. I'll be your friend if you just pretend to like me.

So yeah, anybody ever crap green?

He’s the same as that guy you hang out with who falls down some stairs and then gets up, laughing, and says “Haha, I just fell down some stairs!” and then tells the same story to someone else later in the day.

This was my first college essay, an argumentative paper. It is exactly as I turned it in. It contains crude language, which MMM censors anyway. But yeah.
I don't REALLY hate Dane Cook this much, and I don't mind watching him that much. But all my points remain the same.

Enjoy.

------------------------------------------------

Why Dane Cook Isn’t Funny.
By Alec Robbins, just telling it like it is.


##### Dane Cook. How’s that for a thesis statement? I mean, come on. The lame bastard does nothing but shout a lot and laugh at his own jokes on stage. He steals jokes from fellow comics (who all hate him) like Louis C.K. and Demetri Martin. His routines are devoid of any real humor and rarely do you ever see a genuine joke. Now, since I seem to be on my own here when compared to the rest of today’s youth, I’m gonna’ go ahead let you all know that I was once a fan. It’s true – I once thought Dane Cook was the bee’s knees. He’s famous for a reason: he does his job and he makes people laugh. The problem here is that there are so many people doing his job better and making people laugh harder on a daily basis.

It’s really just an issue of taste. You just outgrow this asshole. If you watch enough stand-up (you know, real comics like George Carlin and Dave Chappelle and Richard Pryor) you’ll see your taste in stand-up expand. You’ll suddenly see just how much of a failure Dane Cook is. You’ll just have a moment where you’re sitting there on the couch, watching Vicious Circle on HBO as the loser runs around on his odd stage shouting to the crowd about how fun it is to lie, when you’ll blink once, maybe twice, look up at the ceiling, and say to no one but yourself, “Oh, dear god. What have I been doing with my life?”

It’s going to happen. My job is to just help you get there faster.

So, his act. Really. His act. I’ve seen all of Mr. Cook’s specials. I’ve listened to all of his CD’s. I regret treating both my eyes and my ears so badly. The poor fellow just spends his time running around his stage telling dumb stories, or rather yelling dumb stories, all of which are coated with a thin veil of false insight. As in, they really are just stories where very little happens, and any humor one may find in them (as rare as that may be) comes from the way he tells them. Which is just him saying the same thing over and over again. “Oh, look, dear! Dane said someone ##### on the coats! Now he said someone ##### on or around them! Oh, look at this! Now he’s saying someone ##### on the coats again!”

That really happens. That’s really one of his most famous bits. Just him screaming about how someone ##### on the coats.

Yes. Really.

Dane Cook’s act can be summed up as follows: “man screams the same thing over and over again while he flails around on stage smiling like a madman!”

Ugh. The smiling. The giggles. When he makes a crack that really gets the crowd laughing, he giggles. The ego-driven bastard giggles. And then he’ll repeat the joke again. Because it worked. Somehow, he got the crowd to laugh. So of course the same joke is going to make them laugh again!

The man has no talents. He’s a real hack. He’s the same as that guy you hang out with who falls down some stairs and then gets up, laughing, and says “Haha, I just fell down some stairs!” and then tells the same story to someone else later in the day.

And sure, that’s funny. But really not. You can’t pull that sort of ##### and call yourself a comic.

I hope I’m getting through to you guys. I mean, #####ing Dane Cook. If I wanted to prove why he wasn’t funny, I’d just hand you some DVD’s with Demetri Martin and Katt Williams and Patton Oswalt and Mitch Hedberg and Ron White on them.

Every person has their own taste. New Yorkers love Jerry Seinfeld, black people love Chris Rock, rednecks love Jeff Foxworthy. But no one should ever think Dane Cook is funny… and yet some people do.

So, if I haven’t gotten through to you yet, how about I bring up the next big issue? Dane Cook steals jokes. Demetri Martin told a joke about how he walked into a shoe store and the clerk kept giving him the wrong shoe size. And then Dane Cook told the same joke.

Louis C.K. told three jokes, one about an itchy asshole, one more about someone getting hit by a car, and a third about giving your kids silly names. And then Dane Cook told three jokes, one about an itchy asshole, one more about someone getting hit by a car, and a third about giving your kids silly names.

Joe Rogan has spoken many times about how Dane Cook has performed a bit that Joe once did at a club where Dane was present.

The worst part is, it really wouldn’t matter if Dane Cook was better at telling the jokes, because at least then you might forgive him. But they’re all so much better when told by the people that wrote them themselves. And speaking of writing…

I have never witnessed Dane Cook tell a real joke. He tells long stories that have no real substance; talks of absurd situations that might be called funny; he stretches out certain words or uses odd ones that one maybe wouldn’t use on a normal basis instead of one that would be.

That’s not humor.

The man doesn’t put an ounce of effort into his act. A lot of it is just him laughing with self love because he made some guy in the crowd laugh. More of it is just him running around making dumb faces. Most of it is just plain not funny at all. And sure, “to each his own,” but if I haven’t gotten through to you by now, maybe I never will.

I’m on your side, buddy.

I want you to love stand-up.

I want you to see what else there is out there.

Dane Cook isn’t funny.

You can do so much better.

I figure that at this point, I’m only talking to the most hardcore of Dane Cook fans, because every one else should have left by now and started watching some classic George Carlin.

I’ll recap for you. To make it all very clear. Dane Cook just shouts and laughs at himself. Dane Cook steals jokes from people that are actually funny. And then he makes those jokes NOT funny. Dane Cook doesn’t tell any real jokes or write any solid work.

If you’re still thinking in the back of your head that I’m an asshole and Dane Cook is THE ##### and he’s the greatest thing ever, then I’m just going to give up. If I’ve convinced you, then great. I’ve just unlocked a whole new world of stand-up for you.

Just to make sure I was speaking to all whom I could be, including many of the morons who love Dane Cook for whatever twisted reasons, I haven’t used a single word in this paper that has more than two syllables. Well, #####, I just did now. Odd that “syllable” is the word that kills it. But yeah, go ahead. Look up. Re-read it all. Aside from names of other comics, or things like “DVD” and “HBO,” I’m clean.

I couldn’t even #####ing use the word “comedian,” but it’s not like it should ever be used in the same context as “Dane Cook” anyway.

His routines are devoid of any real humor and rarely do you ever see a genuine joke.

AHEM.

: ASR  16 September 2008, 00:29:20

His routines are devoid of any real humor and rarely do you ever see a genuine joke.

OK well that I'm gonna have to read another time anyway.


But it still confuses your president! (Not yours Fatso, we all know the prez of BC is a sea cow with a boobjob anyway.)

Ugh. The smiling. The giggles. When he makes a crack that really gets the crowd laughing, he giggles. The ego-driven bastard giggles. And then he’ll repeat the joke again. Because it worked. Somehow, he got the crowd to laugh. So of course the same joke is going to make them laugh again!

But I guess I perceive my character as a serious type guy...
Actually, most of the stories I create in my that involves anyone here is usually serious.

PAGE ONE

Okay. So. Let’s see. There’s this guy. Call him Nathan. No, Nathaniel. He hates being called Nathan. Maybe. I don’t know. His name’s Nathaniel. Call him Nathaniel. He gets made fun of. Mostly because of the name, yeah. Also because he - actually, wait, let me start over. This is a bit informal. Doesn’t feel right. Let’s try again…

Nathaniel sat wearily over his desk. His head lay sideways, limp in his crossed arms, as a rush of unorganized and frantic thoughts raced through the aforementioned head. There, that’s better. Much more appropriate. Nathaniel was motionless and silent, but he was very much awake, very much active. He was going over the [adjective] events from earlier in the day.

Alright, I’ll be honest with you. I really have no idea where this is going. As of the writing (typing? Whatever) of these words, I have no plan for this story. I don’t know what events occurred earlier in Nathaniel’s day. I’d like to think of something, write it down, and play it off like I knew all along, but I feel like that’s cheating you, the reader. You deserve to know the truth. And the truth is, well, the truth is that I don’t even know how old Nathaniel is, or what he looks like. Or even if he’s a he. Granted, Nathaniel isn’t typically a girl’s name, but I just started with the name and instantly assumed he was male. I’ve already referred to Nathaniel as a male in the above paragraphs, so it’d be very embarrassing for me if it turns out that, well, Nathaniel is a female.

Since I don’t know what events happened earlier in the day, I stuck in a placeholder up there for an adjective that describes them. I don’t want to write “terrible” and find out that I later decide he, or she, actually had a rather good day. He? She? I’m going to go with “he.” Nathaniel is a “he.” If that turns out to be wrong, whatever. I’ll live. You’ll live. Nathaniel won’t, he’s going to die on page 6. I’ve just decided that. I figure it’ll be more exciting if he dies, and at the rate this is going, we’re going to need as much as excitement as we can get.

So how old is Nathaniel? I could go for that awkward age of 16, make him a high-school student, exploit all those clichés of using a high-school as a microcosm of society at large and develop a whole group of friends for him to hang out with, or bullies for him to be rejected by… ah, but that involves thinking of more characters. I’m a bit too lazy for that sort of thing. I’ve already invented Nathaniel, why should I have to invent more people for him to interact with? That seems like wasted energy.

Nathaniel is 19 years of age (should I spell out the word “nineteen” so it looks more professional? Using the numerals seems too casual and sloppy) and he is attending a university. Ugh, wait, that means more people to come up with, he’s bound to interact with somebody at a university. Nathaniel is nineteen years of age and he is living on his own, all alone in a… in a what? An old apartment? Do I have to explain where the apartment is? Okay, he’s… fine, he’s living in an old apartment. All by himself. Doesn’t matter where the apartment is. That’s irrelevant. He’s a loner.

PAGE TWO

But something happened earlier that day. This day. Today.  I’m still trying to think of something interesting. I should stall.

Nathaniel knew what he must do. He stood up and looked around his room. Okay, no, he didn’t look around his room because I don’t feel like describing it. He grabbed a nearby baseball bat (I might bother to explain that later, it would be nice if the bat was of some symbolic significance) and stormed out the door.

Great, that wasn’t stalling. Now I’ve made it more complicated. Does he want revenge on somebody? He could use the baseball bat as a weapon. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, maybe he just remembered about a baseball game he’s going to play in. He’s headed off to play baseball with some friends. No. That’s dumb. Revenge. Revenge is exciting. He’s headed off to get some revenge.

Here, I thought of what happens earlier in the day. He met this girl. Nathaniel met this girl named Virginia. She’s a virgin. Get it? Good. That’s me being clever. Nathaniel meets Virginia at a party… wait, a party earlier in the day? Sorry. Not a party. How about a… restaurant? A café? He meets her at a café. In town. Doesn’t matter which town.

“You dropped your wallet,” chirped a voice from behind Nathaniel. He snapped his head back to see where the voice was coming from, only to find a breathtakingly gorgeous girl named Virginia. Well, he didn’t know her name yet. “My name’s Virginia, by the way,” she added. There, problem solved. She was about five foot… six? Seven? She was average height. Short brown hair, sure, why not, down to her shoulders. Her eyes were… blue? Okay. She was basically just really pretty. That’s what counts. Thin, curvaceous, well-endowed (that means she had big breasts), gorgeous blue eyes. She had an odd smile. Only the left side of her mouth creased upwards. It was almost a smirk. But you could tell it was a smile, not a smirk. She had a kind face. What does that even mean? “A kind face?” Whatever. Roll with it.

“Oh, uh,” stammered Nathaniel. He drew his eyes from Virginia and finally brought his gaze to the wallet. “Um, thank you. I don’t think that’s mine.” He double-checked. “Um, nope, uh, yeah, it’s not mine.”

“I know it’s not yours, it’s mine.” Virginia’s smile never faded. It made Nathaniel quiver. “I just wanted an excuse to talk to you.”

I guess we can assume from this that Nathaniel is somewhat attractive, or at least moderately handsome. Those actually sound pretty equal to each other. So he’s not ugly, at least.

“Mind if I sit down?” she asked. Nathaniel sort of stared at her. An empty stare. He was trying to remember words. He would’ve been okay with any of them, really. “Airplane,” “fountain,” “antidisestablishmentarianism,” any word would do. Obviously Nathan does not fare well with women.

PAGE THREE

Finally, the English language returned to him. “Oh, yeah, sure!” Nathaniel was eating a cinnamon roll. Nervous and excited, he took a rather large bite. Virginia sat down across from him at the small café table.

She stared at him with that smile. He chewed. “You haven’t told me your name,” she said.

He continued chewing. He chewed some more. His teeth ground the bits of cinnamon roll into tinier bits of cinnamon roll and he swallowed them. The silence bothered him so he spoke before he had swallowed all the tiny bits of cinnamon roll. “Muh name ith Nafanull.” Virginia giggled, and Nathaniel held up his index finger. You know, like “one moment” or “one second.” Because he was chewing. Okay, now he’s finished chewing. “Sorry. My name’s Nathaniel.”

Virginia the virgin smiled at him some more. “Oh, so Nathan for short?”

Nathaniel cringed.

He decided it wasn’t worth the battle. There was a very good possibility that this girl was into him for whatever reason and he wasn’t going to spoil it with silly name preferences.

They sat in silence for a little longer. Nathaniel was still hungry so he took another bite of his cinnamon roll and his teeth started to make tinier bits of cinnamon roll in his mouth again. Virginia stood up and took out a tiny piece of scrap paper.

“This is my number. I think you should call me sometime. Like tonight.” She set the paper down in front of Nathaniel and started walking away. She turned her head around to give him one last glance. “Goodbye, Nathan.”

Nathaniel cringed.

…but overall he didn’t mind so much because, as I’ve somewhat stated earlier, there was a very good possibility that this girl was willing to do naughty things with him and he didn’t care why.

He tried to say “Goodbye, Virginia” back to her but all that came out of his mouth were tiny bits of cinnamon roll.

Way to go, Nathaniel. Apparently you’ve got some game.

Hey, that actually wasn’t that bad for explaining what happened earlier in the day. Guess that would maybe make that placeholder adjective earlier be… “wonderful?” “Nice?” “Pleasant?” Still doesn’t explain the baseball bat, though. I’ll think of something. Okay, so let’s see. I’ve introduced another character, and it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. Maybe I’ll throw another character into the mix soon. I feel like it should be important that Virginia is a virgin. I only made her one because I thought that was kind of clever. I’m sure it’s not actually clever. I’m sure it’s been done before. But ##### off, alright? Oh, and Virginia is about the same age as Nathaniel. Just decided that right now. Makes sense. It works.

PAGE FOUR

Anyway, back to the present. The right-now. Where Nathaniel (not Nathan) is walking down the street with a baseball bat. It’s cold outside, there’s snow on the ground. It’s winter, alright, that sounds good. It’s winter and Nathaniel is decidedly not going to a baseball game, but instead out for revenge. He is probably going to use the baseball bat as a weapon. He’s not wearing winter clothes. He’s just in a T-shirt and jeans. Poor clothing choice. I’d make fun of him for it but I’m the one who chose it, apparently. What with me creating and writing his every move, you know.

If this was a movie, this scene would be in slow-motion and it would have some badass gangsta’ tunes blasting. Nathaniel would have an angry, contorted expression on his face, and he’s be tightly gripping the baseball bat in his left hand. He would be smacking it into his right hand menacingly over and over again, insinuating that he is ready to kick some ass. The hard bass hits of the music would line up with the bat hitting the palm of his right hand. It would be fantastic.

However, this isn’t a movie, and I can’t convey that sort of scene. Oh, well.

Alright, so there’s still the matter of what else happened earlier that caused Nathaniel to vengefully grab his baseball bat and storm down this cold winter road. Oh, by the way, Nathaniel has now arrived at a restaurant. A café. The same café from earlier. He, um, okay, he’s swinging the baseball bat, and breaking some windows with it. It’s night-time, and the café is closed, but there’s somebody inside still. Probably closing up. Nathaniel doesn’t care and keeps swinging his bat. He climbs in through the broken window and starts destroying all the furniture. Like, those nice little wooden tables and those nice little wooden chairs. Oh, and some of those pretentious lame paintings on the wall, like, those ones that are just a smear of red paint and supposedly that means something significant and it’s an amazing work of art. He destroys one of those. The person inside hides behind the counter. I don’t think Nathaniel has noticed. He’s just swinging away.

Okay, hold on, let’s back things up a bit. The baseball bat. Why is that significant? I really have no idea where this is going. Totally making all of this up on the spot. Now I have to invent a reason for Nathaniel to want to destroy the café. And also set up the character who is working in the shop. Probably an employee. But they might be significant. I don’t know. Plus, Nathaniel is going to die in less than two pages. I still haven’t figured that out.

Um… let’s see. So Nathaniel is still sitting in the café eating his cinnamon roll. Virginia the virgin left the café about five minutes ago. Damn, I still have to tie that whole virgin thing into the story. This is stressful. Nathaniel has finished his cinnamon roll. He… he’s holding that piece of paper in his hand, the one with Virginia’s number on it. He’s excited. He wants to call her but he has no idea when he should do it. He goes back to his apartment in wherever and takes a nap. When he wakes up, it’s 8:00. At night, not the morning. Sorry, just felt I should clarify.

PAGE FIVE

It’s been about… say, four hours. A four hour nap. Does that sound reasonable? Whatever, you can’t answer me, you’re the reader. You’re stuck with whatever I decide is reasonable. Don’t complain.

Nathaniel deems this a reasonable amount of time and dials the number. He’s a bit nervous, but he’s already fallen in love with this girl because he’s easily smitten. And horny. He’s tricked himself into thinking she’s an amazing girl, the only one for him, they’re going to be together forever, all that jazz. But that’s really just his ##### telling him to ##### her brains out. Sorry, too vulgar? I’ve kept things clean up until now. But really, that’s only natural. I deem it reasonable. Don’t complain.

She answers the phone. They decide to meet up in an hour at the café again. It would make more sense for them to meet up somewhere else, but honestly I feel like we need to get back to the café and I don’t really feel like creating a new setting. I mean, Nathaniel dies on the next page. I need to really move things along.

“I’m glad you called.” Virginia flashed Nathaniel that hauntingly beautiful half-smile and he flashed her his own awkward grin. It came off as a little creepy, but Virginia didn’t seem to mind. For whatever reason, she wanted him. I’ll think of the reason later. Though maybe I should do it now. Okay, how about Virginia is actually just stringing Nathaniel along and she wants to get into his apartment and rob him? Or maybe she’s a serial killer, a dark widowed she-devil, seducing innocent men and killing them for sport? Maybe she’s just genuinely into him? That seems too boring. I can’t decide if I should make her an ally or an enemy. Is she going to turn on Nathaniel? I mean, in one more page, he’ll be dead, and she’s the only other character. So, if it’s a murder, I guess we’d have to assume she’d be the murderer.

A tall, thin and lanky young man with stylish glasses walked over to the table. Eh, there you go. Another character. If Nathaniel’s death is a murder, he’s now officially a suspect. The tall, thin and lanky young man tapped on Nathaniel’s shoulder.

“Eh, hey man, what do you think you’re doing?” he coughed at Nathaniel. Yes, he coughed those words at Nathaniel. Get over it.

Virginia perked up. “Oh, hello Gabriel. This is Nathan.”

Nathaniel cringed.

The tall, thin and lanky man who I’ve apparently named Gabriel turned sharply to Virginia the virgin. “Oh? Yeah? And what’s he doing with you?”

PAGE SIX

Nathaniel was confused and angry. This dick-weed was interrupting his date! This girl was the girl of his dreams! What did this twat-waffle have to do with her?

Virginia stood up and threw down some object or whatever that was on the table in anger. She opened her mouth to start shouting at Gabriel the dick-weed twat-waffle, but I’m going to stop here because we’re now officially on page six, where Nathaniel is most certainly going to die. We’re going to have to jump back to the present because it wouldn’t make very much sense if he died in the past, now would it? Fortunately, we don’t have to move in space, only in time, since both in the past and present, Nathaniel is currently in the café.

Except in the present, the café is a much more destroyed and broken version of it’s past self.

Nathaniel was still swinging his bat. He smashed it against walls, against coffee machines, against silverware racks, against cash registers… he was really #####ing angry. I haven’t decided why yet. It’s probably got something to do with Gabriel the dick-weed twat-waffle and Virginia the virgin. How am I going to incorporate the importance of her being a virgin? Oh, and the baseball bat? I’m really running out of time.

And Nathaniel’s death.

Okay, so remember that person hiding behind the counter right now? I’ve been purposely ambiguous about that person because I had no idea who it would be. Like, maybe it was someone we knew. Or didn’t know. But now I’m just going to say it was Gabriel. I don’t feel like making a new character.

So, yeah, Gabriel is hiding behind the counter. Nathaniel still hasn’t noticed him. He’s too busy being outrageously destructive. So, we can safely assume that Gabriel is an employee working at the café. That’s why he’s there right now. He’s closing up. We can assume that he did something to piss off Nathaniel, so Nathaniel has come to destroy the café in retaliation. Let’s say Gabriel owns the café. That makes it all a little more personal.

Well, Gabriel now owns a very badly damaged café. There are no more windows, and none of the furniture really qualifies as furniture anymore. Gabriel isn’t scared. He’s holding something in his hand. I bet you can guess what it is. I mean, let’s say you want to kill off a character. What object is most associated with murder?

Gabriel stood up from behind the counter and shot Nathaniel in the face with a gun. Nathaniel was very much dead. Told you.

He fell to the floor. His head (if you could even call it that now) hit the ground first, and the rest of his body dropped like a ragdoll, scattered limp in a pool of blood. The baseball bat rolled out of his left hand and across the café floor.

PAGE SEVEN

Gabriel the dick-weed twat-waffle stood frozen. One shot, really? Right to the head? Didn’t even miss? Doesn’t that seem a bit unrealistic? A bit too lucky? Right to the head? Okay. Yeah. I should’ve been a little more creative with it, but you have to admit that Nathaniel is definitely dead.

Dealt with that whole bit. You’ve been anticipating it since I plopped that whole foreshadowy line down back on the first page. It made everything exciting. You wanted to keep reading, to find out how he died, right? Well, now that he’s dead, I guess you can stop. Or at least skip to the next page, which will have two girls making out. I promise.

Gabriel was not a bad person. He didn’t want this. His grip on the gun was tight. What kind of gun was it? Let’s make it… a sniper rifle. That’s badass and exciting. Gabriel’s grip on the sniper rifle was tight. He couldn’t let go.

Somebody must’ve heard the shot. He should’ve just left Virginia alone. See what I’m doing here? I’m referring to as-of-yet unexplained backstory. Him and Virginia must’ve had something going on.

He held the sniper rifle close and ran out the door. Which is funny, since the windows were shattered and he could’ve just as easily jumped out a window. Which would’ve been a little more badass and exciting. But whatever. He ran. He ran and ran and ran until he couldn’t run anymore. Wow, sorry, that was terrible writing. It sounded like a kids’ book.

See Gabriel run.

Gabriel feels ashamed.

See Gabriel hide.

Gabriel is crying.

See Gabriel shoot himself in the face.

Yeah, probably not the best kids’ book to read your kids, but definitely more exciting than most of the other stuff on the shelves.

Alright, time for another flashback. I think I know where I’m going with all of this now. An angry Virginia is yelling at a dick-weed Gabriel in the café while a confused Nathaniel is sitting down watching.

“Just leave me alone!” shouted Virginia. See? Like how I’m referencing earlier (or later, depending on how you look at it) when I said Gabriel should’ve just left Virginia alone? I’m doing a pretty good job! “We’re over! Go away and let me and Nathaniel eat in peace!” Yeah, I know, it’s supposed to be “Nathaniel and I,” but it’s dialogue and Virginia doesn’t have impeccable grammar skills.

PAGE EIGHT

So I guess I’ve decided that Virginia the virgin and Gabriel the dick-weed twat-waffle were at one point dating. Likely just up until recently.

It’s important to note that if Virginia really didn’t want to see Gabriel anymore, she wouldn’t have taken Nathaniel to this particular café, which I’ve established Gabriel owns, on a date. It is implied that Virginia is trying to make Gabriel jealous. From that we can conclude that Gabriel is the one who dumped her and Virginia is not very happy about this.

That bit with two girls making out is indeed about to happen, but let me pause right here and interject. I’ve figured out how to work the whole “Virginia is a virgin” thing into the story. Basically, Gabriel was pushy and wanted to have sex with Virginia when they were dating, but she kept refusing because she was saving herself for marriage. Gabriel got fed up with her and called her a prude. This hurt Virginia’s feelings, and instead of apologizing to her, Gabriel the dick-weed twat-waffle dumped her.

Okay, now for the two girls making out.

“Just ##### off, Gabriel! I’m seeing Nathan now!”

Nathaniel cringed.

But not for long. In a fit of anger, Virginia the virgin flung herself across the table and kissed Nathaniel. At first he was surprised to find a second tongue thrashing around in his mouth, but soon he caught his bearings and embraced the moment.

Now, I’ve decided that this event would be quite a bit more exciting if Nathaniel was a girl, so I’m going to temporarily change his gender for the remainder of the kiss. Nathaniel is now Nathnielette, a gorgeous blonde bombshell with rockin’ tits and voluptuous hips. She is currently making out with Virginia.

And it is hot.

Two girls making out, eh? Told you I’d deliver.

Gabriel is very happy with the way things have turned out, although he is a little confused as to why Nathaniel has suddenly swapped genders. He doesn’t ask questions.

Finally, after what is probably every male’s favorite part of this story, Virginia pulled her tongue out from Nathanielette’s mouth, grazing her full puffy red lips on the way.

Okay, Nathaniel is a boy again. And Gabriel is no longer happy with what has just happened. He would’ve been okay with it if it were just two girls making out, but since Nathaniel is no longer a girl, our favorite dick-weed twat-waffle is convinced that he was just hallucinating and is now very angry with our favorite title character.

PAGE NINE

I don’t care if Gabriel isn’t your favorite dick-weed twat-waffle, or if Nathaniel isn’t your favorite title character. I’m writing the words here, and you’re going to have to agree with me.

Gabriel tackles Nathaniel and knocks him backwards out his chair. He starts wailing punches on him. A big guy, who I’ve decided is Gabriel’s boss and is named Deus Ex Machina for absolutely no particular reason, comes out from the back room and pulls Gabriel off of Nathaniel before he does any serious damage. He tells Gabriel that he is in trouble and will have to stay late tonight and close up.

Wow, look at me, tying up all the loose ends!

Gabriel is dragged off into the back room, but with his last breath, he shouts out to our poor Nathaniel: “Don’t get too cocky about the kiss, I got to third base with her the first night I met her!” The door to the back room slams behind him.

Virginia is standing tall over Nathaniel, who is still lying on the floor. He has a couple bruises. I probably could’ve mentioned those earlier in the story for even more foreshadowing! I could easily go back and add in some mention of him being bruised during the part where he’s crouched over his desk, but I’m not going to bother. I mean, I’m writing half the story like “Nathaniel did this” and the other half like “Nathaniel is doing this.” It’s already a mess. As if I really care about some dumb bruises.

The story is going to end on the next page, anyway.

“I’m so sorry, Nathan.”

Nathaniel cringed.

   This time, however, it was more from the pain of Gabriel’s pummeling than the discomfort of being called Nathan.

   Virginia turned, embarrassed, and exited the café, leaving Nathaniel alone on the floor. If I had written more characters, the rest of them would all be in the café right now staring at him. He’d be the center of attention. He’d shamefully stand up and mope out of the café back to his apartment. Well, he’s still going to do that. Nathaniel shamefully stood up and moped out of the café back to his apartment.

   Once there, he retreated to his desk in the corner and hunched over it. He crossed his arms and dropped his head onto them. He sat wearily on his desk.

   Hey, check that out! We just went full circle! And I just realized how I could make the baseball bat significant! Remember how Gabriel said he got to third base with Virginia? Well, that’s related to baseball! So now there’s some meaning behind why Nathaniel chose the baseball bat, right? Isn’t that awesome?

PAGE TEN

So, yeah, Nathaniel (sans head) is now lying dead on the floor in the café. Gabriel is lying dead in some bushes down the street. Also sans head. The sniper rifles really have some kick to ‘em. I actually don’t know if a sniper rifle shot would completely obliterate the head, like kablooie, head’s gone. But honestly, I mean, why complain about that when it’s already entirely unreasonable that Gabriel would have a sniper rifle under the counter in a café?

   Nathaniel is dead. Gabriel is dead. Virginia is responsible for both of their deaths, if you think about it. What a bitch.

   Guess what happens next? Well, it turns out that Deus Ex Machina, Gabriel’s boss at the café (which I just realized doesn’t make sense since Gabriel is supposed to be the owner of the café which means he wouldn’t have a boss)… well, Deus Ex Machina is a wizard. Yep. He’s a total wizard.

   He arrived at the café to check on Gabriel later that night, and was deeply saddened to see what had happened. He found Gabriel’s body further down the street.

   Deus Ex Machina stood in the café. He was very sad. “Such a waste,” he thought to himself. “How pitiful is humanity that these poor souls would resort to such depths over nothing more than a girl?”

   The sad wizard shook his head. He knew he shouldn’t do this. It went against the Wizard Code.

   He chanted a magical spell and brought Nathaniel and Gabriel back to life.

   The other wizards found out and banned him from the Awesome League of Magical Wizards.

   That’s the end. Hope you liked it.

Shouldn't it  say  lec Robbins?

Some bitch replied as well.

: Vinchenz Rock  29 March 2009, 06:50:00

Some bitch replied as well.

Haha, this is like a hilarious sitcom misunderstanding.

She's one of my close friends. Hence the hearts. They weren't sarcastic hearts, haha. And you just called her a bitch! Oh, the hilarity.

But yeah, didn't really laugh at that one (the act).

I got them all, obviously, and they aren't bad. The best was Layton and the weakest was Animal Crossing. It'd probably be better if you didn't have titles like "Prefessor Layton & Curious Cancer". It doesn't really give away the punchline but I think it would just help to go in more fresh, like how the titles in PBF comics relate but don't tell you anything at all.

Whoever wrote the strip has their name first.

That explains the wide gap in art style I seem to detect.
The middle one just seems out of place.

I DON'T LIKE HIM EITHER

I was never even that blond..

Yeah well maybe that's 'cause Annie's a fucsajdsfdssfaffsfjknr...

I think Orbille's secret last name that you don't reveal for a very long time should be Reddenvacker.

I agree with what has just been said.