The Comedy Thread

[ChaosVortex]

I remember one Lunche mentioned that's marked as my favorite.

What's worse than a trash can full of dead babies?

[spoiler]One's alive at the bottom.[/spoiler]

What's worse than that?

[spoiler]It eats it's way to the top.[/spoiler]

What's worse than THAT?

[spoiler]It goes back for seconds.[/spoiler]

[ASR]

One final answer is:

[spoiler]One dead baby in ten trash cans.[/spoiler]

[Jakey]

How many ugly losers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

[spoiler]you[/spoiler]

[White Shadow]

On a lighter note....jokes about sex and dead babies are fine.

Let Speed show you how it's done!

QFTW

QFTW?

Quoted. For. The. Win.

[preventerWIND]

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies in my garage and a ferrari in my garage?
[spoiler]I don't have a ferrari in my garage.[/spoiler]

[Voulnet]

Question, did you just make that up?

[Kamon]

I rememeber Speed posting that one before, but it was a Porche.

[Lunchebox]

Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies in my garage and a ferrari in my garage?
[spoiler]I don't have a ferrari in my garage.[/spoiler]

You're doing it wrong.

It's "What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari"

[spoiler]I don't have a ferrari in my garage.[/spoiler]

Alternatively, the joke can be used with any model of car.

Now: More Dead Baby jokes.

What's the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls?

[spoiler]You can't unload the truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.[/spoiler]

Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

[spoiler]To see the expression on it's face when you drop it in.[/spoiler]

Why did the five year old drop the ball?

[spoiler]A truck hit him.[/spoiler]

What's green and red and goes a hundred miles per hour?

[spoiler]Frog in a blender.[/spoiler]

[Voulnet]

[Johncarllos]

Seen 'em all before.
I like one of those that's a report on Oedipus, and how he goes ballin' wit gangstas.

[ChaosVortex]

My personal favorites that I found.

[Mikero]

Those are so played.

[Voulnet]

Doesn't have to be real, though.

[ChaosVortex]

Little Johnny came home one day and told his dad he had a tough day in math.

"What happend?" asked his dad.

"The teacher got mad at me." Little Johnny grumbled.

"What for?" his dad asked.

"She asked me what 2 x 3 was. I told her 6."

"Well, that's right."

"I know, but then she asked me what 3 x 2 was."

"Christ! It's the same #####ing thing!" Cried the father.

[spoiler]"I know! That's exactly what I told her!"[/spoiler]

[Johncarllos]

That made me smile.

Why did the rooster cross the basterball court?
[spoiler]He heard that the ref was blowing "fouls"[/spoiler]
/lame

[ASR]

The basterball court?

[Lunchebox]

John spelled it wrong, it's Bastardball.

Basically, it's like basketball, but you're encouraged to punch, hit, kick, humiliate, and otherwise brutalize other players.

[ChaosVortex]

[NovaMan XP]

[ASR]

Ahaha, awesome.

[Johncarllos]

The basterball court?

#####.

Thanks for the 'save' Lunche.
I think.

[ChaosVortex]

A riddle joke for you.

A guy rides into a hotel on Tuesday. Stays two nights, two days. Leaves on Wednesday. How is this possible?

[spoiler]His horse's name is Wednesday![/spoiler]

[SacredFireman]

An old joke I read in an e-mail.

Turkish scientists found evidence of copper wiring in ancient Turkey roughly 1000 years ago and so the scientists decided this meant that the Turks had some kind of basic communication devices.

Greek scientists not wanting to be outdone searched and found similar wiring that dated to 1500 hundred years ago and made the announcement that the Greeks had ommunication even earlier than the Turks.

The Turkish scientists took one more archeological search and found that their was copper wiring dating to roughly 2000 years ago and so they made their announcement once more.

The Greeks decided to look one more time but they found no copper wiring and they decided it meants only one thing.
[spoiler]2500 years ago Greeks had already created Wi-Fi[/spoiler]

[Mikero]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

[spoiler]The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You #####ing lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"[/spoiler]

[Voulnet]

Haha, gotta love that wife. She's got confidence in her husband.

[ChaosVortex]

Clever. Clever. I like that one.

[Johncarllos]

Clever. Clever. I like that one.

[Mikero]

I like this one better.


This virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

[spoiler]The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."[/spoiler]

[ASR]

That's hilarious, man.

[ChaosVortex]

Someone at Wendy's just told me this one.

What do you call a psychic midget escaping prison?

[spoiler]A small medium at large.[/spoiler]

[Johncarllos]

Mike, that was friggin hilarious.
I'm gonna tell all my friends.

CV, heard it, but still decent.

[Voulnet]

Mike, f*ck man, that SUCKS. XD

[Lunchebox]

I got one.

So there's this motorcycle enthusiast, and his girlfriend invites him to have dinner with her parents. So, just before he leaves, he grabs a jar of Vaseline, because he knows it's gonna rain later, and doesn't want the rain to ruin his bike.

So he gets to the girl's house, and she greets him at the door. She then says to him "I should have told you this before, but... We used to fight about who would do the dishes after dinner ALL the time, so now the rule is whoever says ANYTHING at dinner will have to do the dishes, so make sure you don't say anything."

Sure enough, when he glanced in the kitchen, there was a mountain of dirty dishes piled up in the sink.

So, dinner rolls around, and there is silence around the table. The guy decides to see how far he can go with this.... And nails the daughter right on the table.

The parents are angry, and the daughter.... Annoyed. But no one says a thing. The guy decides to nail the mother next, and does so.

Daughter is pissed, and the father is FURIOUS. The mother is a little more relaxed.

Guy looks outside, and notices it's starting to rain. So he stands up and pulls the Vaseline out of his pocket, causing the father to jump up and say:

[spoiler]"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I'LL DO THE DISHES, BUT FOR GODSAKES, DON'T DO IT![/spoiler]

[Vinchenz Rock]

I rofl'd.

[Johncarllos]

Heard it, but in the exact same way.
Memory or copy-paste?
Props if memory.

[ChaosVortex]

That was awesome Lunche.

Internet Hi-five! [/lame]

[Lunchebox]

Heard it, but in the exact same way.
Memory or copy-paste?
Props if memory.

Memory.

[ASR]

Thus, props.

[Johncarllos]

*gives props*

Now you can tell the joke like Carrot Top!

[SacredFireman]

I don't get Lunche's punchline...*feels stupid*

[Mikero]

You should. It's quite obvious.

[ASR]

I'm trying to think of other ways that it could be interpreted. I think it's extremely obvious.

I mean, it's the sort of thing that even if you're too young to understand, you'd still laugh at and THINK you understood.

[Mikero]

I don't think you can be too young to understand it, just to hear it.

[Lunchebox]

I don't get Lunche's punchline...*feels stupid*

The vaseline, as I established earlier, was for his bike (Because, apparently it protects your bike in the rain).

Vaseline is also  used by some couples as lubricant (And Protip: if you're using a condom for protection, then using vaseline is generally a bad idea, since it essentially eats away at the latex, making the condom useless).

And since he just nailed the daughter and the mother, well the dad thought he was going to lube up to put it in a very uncomfortable place...

[spoiler]The back of a Volkswagon.[/spoiler]

[Mikero]

I love Mallrats.

[ChaosVortex]

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. 

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.   

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make such an obvious error, he replied,  "Monsieur that is the reason I stole the paintings..."

[spoiler]"... I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"[/spoiler]

[ASR]

...hehe. I giggled. Just a giggle, though.

[Johncarllos]

I didn't even smile.

Puns are ineffective.

Clever though.

[preventerWIND]

*Ba-dum tss!*

[Vinchenz Rock]

I smilied. >_>