PAGE ONEOkay. So. Let’s see. There’s this guy. Call him Nathan. No, Nathaniel. He hates being called Nathan. Maybe. I don’t know. His name’s Nathaniel. Call him Nathaniel. He gets made fun of. Mostly because of the name, yeah. Also because he - actually, wait, let me start over. This is a bit informal. Doesn’t feel right. Let’s try again…Nathaniel sat wearily over his desk. His head lay sideways, limp in his crossed arms, as a rush of unorganized and frantic thoughts raced through the aforementioned head. There, that’s better. Much more appropriate. Nathaniel was motionless and silent, but he was very much awake, very much active. He was going over the [adjective] events from earlier in the day.Alright, I’ll be honest with you. I really have no idea where this is going. As of the writing (typing? Whatever) of these words, I have no plan for this story. I don’t know what events occurred earlier in Nathaniel’s day. I’d like to think of something, write it down, and play it off like I knew all along, but I feel like that’s cheating you, the reader. You deserve to know the truth. And the truth is, well, the truth is that I don’t even know how old Nathaniel is, or what he looks like. Or even if he’s a he. Granted, Nathaniel isn’t typically a girl’s name, but I just started with the name and instantly assumed he was male. I’ve already referred to Nathaniel as a male in the above paragraphs, so it’d be very embarrassing for me if it turns out that, well, Nathaniel is a female.Since I don’t know what events happened earlier in the day, I stuck in a placeholder up there for an adjective that describes them. I don’t want to write “terrible” and find out that I later decide he, or she, actually had a rather good day. He? She? I’m going to go with “he.” Nathaniel is a “he.” If that turns out to be wrong, whatever. I’ll live. You’ll live. Nathaniel won’t, he’s going to die on page 6. I’ve just decided that. I figure it’ll be more exciting if he dies, and at the rate this is going, we’re going to need as much as excitement as we can get.So how old is Nathaniel? I could go for that awkward age of 16, make him a high-school student, exploit all those clichés of using a high-school as a microcosm of society at large and develop a whole group of friends for him to hang out with, or bullies for him to be rejected by… ah, but that involves thinking of more characters. I’m a bit too lazy for that sort of thing. I’ve already invented Nathaniel, why should I have to invent more people for him to interact with? That seems like wasted energy.Nathaniel is 19 years of age (should I spell out the word “nineteen” so it looks more professional? Using the numerals seems too casual and sloppy) and he is attending a university. Ugh, wait, that means more people to come up with, he’s bound to interact with somebody at a university. Nathaniel is nineteen years of age and he is living on his own, all alone in a… in a what? An old apartment? Do I have to explain where the apartment is? Okay, he’s… fine, he’s living in an old apartment. All by himself. Doesn’t matter where the apartment is. That’s irrelevant. He’s a loner.PAGE TWOBut something happened earlier that day. This day. Today. I’m still trying to think of something interesting. I should stall. Nathaniel knew what he must do. He stood up and looked around his room. Okay, no, he didn’t look around his room because I don’t feel like describing it. He grabbed a nearby baseball bat (I might bother to explain that later, it would be nice if the bat was of some symbolic significance) and stormed out the door.Great, that wasn’t stalling. Now I’ve made it more complicated. Does he want revenge on somebody? He could use the baseball bat as a weapon. Maybe I’m reading too much into this, maybe he just remembered about a baseball game he’s going to play in. He’s headed off to play baseball with some friends. No. That’s dumb. Revenge. Revenge is exciting. He’s headed off to get some revenge.Here, I thought of what happens earlier in the day. He met this girl. Nathaniel met this girl named Virginia. She’s a virgin. Get it? Good. That’s me being clever. Nathaniel meets Virginia at a party… wait, a party earlier in the day? Sorry. Not a party. How about a… restaurant? A café? He meets her at a café. In town. Doesn’t matter which town.“You dropped your wallet,” chirped a voice from behind Nathaniel. He snapped his head back to see where the voice was coming from, only to find a breathtakingly gorgeous girl named Virginia. Well, he didn’t know her name yet. “My name’s Virginia, by the way,” she added. There, problem solved. She was about five foot… six? Seven? She was average height. Short brown hair, sure, why not, down to her shoulders. Her eyes were… blue? Okay. She was basically just really pretty. That’s what counts. Thin, curvaceous, well-endowed (that means she had big breasts), gorgeous blue eyes. She had an odd smile. Only the left side of her mouth creased upwards. It was almost a smirk. But you could tell it was a smile, not a smirk. She had a kind face. What does that even mean? “A kind face?” Whatever. Roll with it.“Oh, uh,” stammered Nathaniel. He drew his eyes from Virginia and finally brought his gaze to the wallet. “Um, thank you. I don’t think that’s mine.” He double-checked. “Um, nope, uh, yeah, it’s not mine.”“I know it’s not yours, it’s mine.” Virginia’s smile never faded. It made Nathaniel quiver. “I just wanted an excuse to talk to you.”I guess we can assume from this that Nathaniel is somewhat attractive, or at least moderately handsome. Those actually sound pretty equal to each other. So he’s not ugly, at least.“Mind if I sit down?” she asked. Nathaniel sort of stared at her. An empty stare. He was trying to remember words. He would’ve been okay with any of them, really. “Airplane,” “fountain,” “antidisestablishmentarianism,” any word would do. Obviously Nathan does not fare well with women.PAGE THREEFinally, the English language returned to him. “Oh, yeah, sure!” Nathaniel was eating a cinnamon roll. Nervous and excited, he took a rather large bite. Virginia sat down across from him at the small café table.She stared at him with that smile. He chewed. “You haven’t told me your name,” she said.He continued chewing. He chewed some more. His teeth ground the bits of cinnamon roll into tinier bits of cinnamon roll and he swallowed them. The silence bothered him so he spoke before he had swallowed all the tiny bits of cinnamon roll. “Muh name ith Nafanull.” Virginia giggled, and Nathaniel held up his index finger. You know, like “one moment” or “one second.” Because he was chewing. Okay, now he’s finished chewing. “Sorry. My name’s Nathaniel.”Virginia the virgin smiled at him some more. “Oh, so Nathan for short?”Nathaniel cringed.He decided it wasn’t worth the battle. There was a very good possibility that this girl was into him for whatever reason and he wasn’t going to spoil it with silly name preferences.They sat in silence for a little longer. Nathaniel was still hungry so he took another bite of his cinnamon roll and his teeth started to make tinier bits of cinnamon roll in his mouth again. Virginia stood up and took out a tiny piece of scrap paper.“This is my number. I think you should call me sometime. Like tonight.” She set the paper down in front of Nathaniel and started walking away. She turned her head around to give him one last glance. “Goodbye, Nathan.”Nathaniel cringed.…but overall he didn’t mind so much because, as I’ve somewhat stated earlier, there was a very good possibility that this girl was willing to do naughty things with him and he didn’t care why.He tried to say “Goodbye, Virginia” back to her but all that came out of his mouth were tiny bits of cinnamon roll.Way to go, Nathaniel. Apparently you’ve got some game.Hey, that actually wasn’t that bad for explaining what happened earlier in the day. Guess that would maybe make that placeholder adjective earlier be… “wonderful?” “Nice?” “Pleasant?” Still doesn’t explain the baseball bat, though. I’ll think of something. Okay, so let’s see. I’ve introduced another character, and it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. Maybe I’ll throw another character into the mix soon. I feel like it should be important that Virginia is a virgin. I only made her one because I thought that was kind of clever. I’m sure it’s not actually clever. I’m sure it’s been done before. But ##### off, alright? Oh, and Virginia is about the same age as Nathaniel. Just decided that right now. Makes sense. It works.PAGE FOURAnyway, back to the present. The right-now. Where Nathaniel (not Nathan) is walking down the street with a baseball bat. It’s cold outside, there’s snow on the ground. It’s winter, alright, that sounds good. It’s winter and Nathaniel is decidedly not going to a baseball game, but instead out for revenge. He is probably going to use the baseball bat as a weapon. He’s not wearing winter clothes. He’s just in a T-shirt and jeans. Poor clothing choice. I’d make fun of him for it but I’m the one who chose it, apparently. What with me creating and writing his every move, you know.If this was a movie, this scene would be in slow-motion and it would have some badass gangsta’ tunes blasting. Nathaniel would have an angry, contorted expression on his face, and he’s be tightly gripping the baseball bat in his left hand. He would be smacking it into his right hand menacingly over and over again, insinuating that he is ready to kick some ass. The hard bass hits of the music would line up with the bat hitting the palm of his right hand. It would be fantastic.However, this isn’t a movie, and I can’t convey that sort of scene. Oh, well.Alright, so there’s still the matter of what else happened earlier that caused Nathaniel to vengefully grab his baseball bat and storm down this cold winter road. Oh, by the way, Nathaniel has now arrived at a restaurant. A café. The same café from earlier. He, um, okay, he’s swinging the baseball bat, and breaking some windows with it. It’s night-time, and the café is closed, but there’s somebody inside still. Probably closing up. Nathaniel doesn’t care and keeps swinging his bat. He climbs in through the broken window and starts destroying all the furniture. Like, those nice little wooden tables and those nice little wooden chairs. Oh, and some of those pretentious lame paintings on the wall, like, those ones that are just a smear of red paint and supposedly that means something significant and it’s an amazing work of art. He destroys one of those. The person inside hides behind the counter. I don’t think Nathaniel has noticed. He’s just swinging away.Okay, hold on, let’s back things up a bit. The baseball bat. Why is that significant? I really have no idea where this is going. Totally making all of this up on the spot. Now I have to invent a reason for Nathaniel to want to destroy the café. And also set up the character who is working in the shop. Probably an employee. But they might be significant. I don’t know. Plus, Nathaniel is going to die in less than two pages. I still haven’t figured that out.Um… let’s see. So Nathaniel is still sitting in the café eating his cinnamon roll. Virginia the virgin left the café about five minutes ago. Damn, I still have to tie that whole virgin thing into the story. This is stressful. Nathaniel has finished his cinnamon roll. He… he’s holding that piece of paper in his hand, the one with Virginia’s number on it. He’s excited. He wants to call her but he has no idea when he should do it. He goes back to his apartment in wherever and takes a nap. When he wakes up, it’s 8:00. At night, not the morning. Sorry, just felt I should clarify.PAGE FIVEIt’s been about… say, four hours. A four hour nap. Does that sound reasonable? Whatever, you can’t answer me, you’re the reader. You’re stuck with whatever I decide is reasonable. Don’t complain.Nathaniel deems this a reasonable amount of time and dials the number. He’s a bit nervous, but he’s already fallen in love with this girl because he’s easily smitten. And horny. He’s tricked himself into thinking she’s an amazing girl, the only one for him, they’re going to be together forever, all that jazz. But that’s really just his ##### telling him to ##### her brains out. Sorry, too vulgar? I’ve kept things clean up until now. But really, that’s only natural. I deem it reasonable. Don’t complain.She answers the phone. They decide to meet up in an hour at the café again. It would make more sense for them to meet up somewhere else, but honestly I feel like we need to get back to the café and I don’t really feel like creating a new setting. I mean, Nathaniel dies on the next page. I need to really move things along.“I’m glad you called.” Virginia flashed Nathaniel that hauntingly beautiful half-smile and he flashed her his own awkward grin. It came off as a little creepy, but Virginia didn’t seem to mind. For whatever reason, she wanted him. I’ll think of the reason later. Though maybe I should do it now. Okay, how about Virginia is actually just stringing Nathaniel along and she wants to get into his apartment and rob him? Or maybe she’s a serial killer, a dark widowed she-devil, seducing innocent men and killing them for sport? Maybe she’s just genuinely into him? That seems too boring. I can’t decide if I should make her an ally or an enemy. Is she going to turn on Nathaniel? I mean, in one more page, he’ll be dead, and she’s the only other character. So, if it’s a murder, I guess we’d have to assume she’d be the murderer.A tall, thin and lanky young man with stylish glasses walked over to the table. Eh, there you go. Another character. If Nathaniel’s death is a murder, he’s now officially a suspect. The tall, thin and lanky young man tapped on Nathaniel’s shoulder.“Eh, hey man, what do you think you’re doing?” he coughed at Nathaniel. Yes, he coughed those words at Nathaniel. Get over it.Virginia perked up. “Oh, hello Gabriel. This is Nathan.”Nathaniel cringed.The tall, thin and lanky man who I’ve apparently named Gabriel turned sharply to Virginia the virgin. “Oh? Yeah? And what’s he doing with you?”PAGE SIXNathaniel was confused and angry. This dick-weed was interrupting his date! This girl was the girl of his dreams! What did this twat-waffle have to do with her?Virginia stood up and threw down some object or whatever that was on the table in anger. She opened her mouth to start shouting at Gabriel the dick-weed twat-waffle, but I’m going to stop here because we’re now officially on page six, where Nathaniel is most certainly going to die. We’re going to have to jump back to the present because it wouldn’t make very much sense if he died in the past, now would it? Fortunately, we don’t have to move in space, only in time, since both in the past and present, Nathaniel is currently in the café.Except in the present, the café is a much more destroyed and broken version of it’s past self.Nathaniel was still swinging his bat. He smashed it against walls, against coffee machines, against silverware racks, against cash registers… he was really #####ing angry. I haven’t decided why yet. It’s probably got something to do with Gabriel the dick-weed twat-waffle and Virginia the virgin. How am I going to incorporate the importance of her being a virgin? Oh, and the baseball bat? I’m really running out of time.And Nathaniel’s death.Okay, so remember that person hiding behind the counter right now? I’ve been purposely ambiguous about that person because I had no idea who it would be. Like, maybe it was someone we knew. Or didn’t know. But now I’m just going to say it was Gabriel. I don’t feel like making a new character.So, yeah, Gabriel is hiding behind the counter. Nathaniel still hasn’t noticed him. He’s too busy being outrageously destructive. So, we can safely assume that Gabriel is an employee working at the café. That’s why he’s there right now. He’s closing up. We can assume that he did something to piss off Nathaniel, so Nathaniel has come to destroy the café in retaliation. Let’s say Gabriel owns the café. That makes it all a little more personal.Well, Gabriel now owns a very badly damaged café. There are no more windows, and none of the furniture really qualifies as furniture anymore. Gabriel isn’t scared. He’s holding something in his hand. I bet you can guess what it is. I mean, let’s say you want to kill off a character. What object is most associated with murder?Gabriel stood up from behind the counter and shot Nathaniel in the face with a gun. Nathaniel was very much dead. Told you.He fell to the floor. His head (if you could even call it that now) hit the ground first, and the rest of his body dropped like a ragdoll, scattered limp in a pool of blood. The baseball bat rolled out of his left hand and across the café floor.PAGE SEVENGabriel the dick-weed twat-waffle stood frozen. One shot, really? Right to the head? Didn’t even miss? Doesn’t that seem a bit unrealistic? A bit too lucky? Right to the head? Okay. Yeah. I should’ve been a little more creative with it, but you have to admit that Nathaniel is definitely dead.Dealt with that whole bit. You’ve been anticipating it since I plopped that whole foreshadowy line down back on the first page. It made everything exciting. You wanted to keep reading, to find out how he died, right? Well, now that he’s dead, I guess you can stop. Or at least skip to the next page, which will have two girls making out. I promise.Gabriel was not a bad person. He didn’t want this. His grip on the gun was tight. What kind of gun was it? Let’s make it… a sniper rifle. That’s badass and exciting. Gabriel’s grip on the sniper rifle was tight. He couldn’t let go.Somebody must’ve heard the shot. He should’ve just left Virginia alone. See what I’m doing here? I’m referring to as-of-yet unexplained backstory. Him and Virginia must’ve had something going on.He held the sniper rifle close and ran out the door. Which is funny, since the windows were shattered and he could’ve just as easily jumped out a window. Which would’ve been a little more badass and exciting. But whatever. He ran. He ran and ran and ran until he couldn’t run anymore. Wow, sorry, that was terrible writing. It sounded like a kids’ book.See Gabriel run.Gabriel feels ashamed.See Gabriel hide.Gabriel is crying.See Gabriel shoot himself in the face.Yeah, probably not the best kids’ book to read your kids, but definitely more exciting than most of the other stuff on the shelves.Alright, time for another flashback. I think I know where I’m going with all of this now. An angry Virginia is yelling at a dick-weed Gabriel in the café while a confused Nathaniel is sitting down watching.“Just leave me alone!” shouted Virginia. See? Like how I’m referencing earlier (or later, depending on how you look at it) when I said Gabriel should’ve just left Virginia alone? I’m doing a pretty good job! “We’re over! Go away and let me and Nathaniel eat in peace!” Yeah, I know, it’s supposed to be “Nathaniel and I,” but it’s dialogue and Virginia doesn’t have impeccable grammar skills.PAGE EIGHTSo I guess I’ve decided that Virginia the virgin and Gabriel the dick-weed twat-waffle were at one point dating. Likely just up until recently.It’s important to note that if Virginia really didn’t want to see Gabriel anymore, she wouldn’t have taken Nathaniel to this particular café, which I’ve established Gabriel owns, on a date. It is implied that Virginia is trying to make Gabriel jealous. From that we can conclude that Gabriel is the one who dumped her and Virginia is not very happy about this.That bit with two girls making out is indeed about to happen, but let me pause right here and interject. I’ve figured out how to work the whole “Virginia is a virgin” thing into the story. Basically, Gabriel was pushy and wanted to have sex with Virginia when they were dating, but she kept refusing because she was saving herself for marriage. Gabriel got fed up with her and called her a prude. This hurt Virginia’s feelings, and instead of apologizing to her, Gabriel the dick-weed twat-waffle dumped her.Okay, now for the two girls making out.“Just ##### off, Gabriel! I’m seeing Nathan now!”Nathaniel cringed.But not for long. In a fit of anger, Virginia the virgin flung herself across the table and kissed Nathaniel. At first he was surprised to find a second tongue thrashing around in his mouth, but soon he caught his bearings and embraced the moment.Now, I’ve decided that this event would be quite a bit more exciting if Nathaniel was a girl, so I’m going to temporarily change his gender for the remainder of the kiss. Nathaniel is now Nathnielette, a gorgeous blonde bombshell with rockin’ tits and voluptuous hips. She is currently making out with Virginia.And it is hot.Two girls making out, eh? Told you I’d deliver.Gabriel is very happy with the way things have turned out, although he is a little confused as to why Nathaniel has suddenly swapped genders. He doesn’t ask questions.Finally, after what is probably every male’s favorite part of this story, Virginia pulled her tongue out from Nathanielette’s mouth, grazing her full puffy red lips on the way.Okay, Nathaniel is a boy again. And Gabriel is no longer happy with what has just happened. He would’ve been okay with it if it were just two girls making out, but since Nathaniel is no longer a girl, our favorite dick-weed twat-waffle is convinced that he was just hallucinating and is now very angry with our favorite title character.PAGE NINEI don’t care if Gabriel isn’t your favorite dick-weed twat-waffle, or if Nathaniel isn’t your favorite title character. I’m writing the words here, and you’re going to have to agree with me.Gabriel tackles Nathaniel and knocks him backwards out his chair. He starts wailing punches on him. A big guy, who I’ve decided is Gabriel’s boss and is named Deus Ex Machina for absolutely no particular reason, comes out from the back room and pulls Gabriel off of Nathaniel before he does any serious damage. He tells Gabriel that he is in trouble and will have to stay late tonight and close up.Wow, look at me, tying up all the loose ends!Gabriel is dragged off into the back room, but with his last breath, he shouts out to our poor Nathaniel: “Don’t get too cocky about the kiss, I got to third base with her the first night I met her!” The door to the back room slams behind him.Virginia is standing tall over Nathaniel, who is still lying on the floor. He has a couple bruises. I probably could’ve mentioned those earlier in the story for even more foreshadowing! I could easily go back and add in some mention of him being bruised during the part where he’s crouched over his desk, but I’m not going to bother. I mean, I’m writing half the story like “Nathaniel did this” and the other half like “Nathaniel is doing this.” It’s already a mess. As if I really care about some dumb bruises.The story is going to end on the next page, anyway.“I’m so sorry, Nathan.”Nathaniel cringed. This time, however, it was more from the pain of Gabriel’s pummeling than the discomfort of being called Nathan. Virginia turned, embarrassed, and exited the café, leaving Nathaniel alone on the floor. If I had written more characters, the rest of them would all be in the café right now staring at him. He’d be the center of attention. He’d shamefully stand up and mope out of the café back to his apartment. Well, he’s still going to do that. Nathaniel shamefully stood up and moped out of the café back to his apartment. Once there, he retreated to his desk in the corner and hunched over it. He crossed his arms and dropped his head onto them. He sat wearily on his desk. Hey, check that out! We just went full circle! And I just realized how I could make the baseball bat significant! Remember how Gabriel said he got to third base with Virginia? Well, that’s related to baseball! So now there’s some meaning behind why Nathaniel chose the baseball bat, right? Isn’t that awesome?PAGE TENSo, yeah, Nathaniel (sans head) is now lying dead on the floor in the café. Gabriel is lying dead in some bushes down the street. Also sans head. The sniper rifles really have some kick to ‘em. I actually don’t know if a sniper rifle shot would completely obliterate the head, like kablooie, head’s gone. But honestly, I mean, why complain about that when it’s already entirely unreasonable that Gabriel would have a sniper rifle under the counter in a café? Nathaniel is dead. Gabriel is dead. Virginia is responsible for both of their deaths, if you think about it. What a bitch. Guess what happens next? Well, it turns out that Deus Ex Machina, Gabriel’s boss at the café (which I just realized doesn’t make sense since Gabriel is supposed to be the owner of the café which means he wouldn’t have a boss)… well, Deus Ex Machina is a wizard. Yep. He’s a total wizard. He arrived at the café to check on Gabriel later that night, and was deeply saddened to see what had happened. He found Gabriel’s body further down the street. Deus Ex Machina stood in the café. He was very sad. “Such a waste,” he thought to himself. “How pitiful is humanity that these poor souls would resort to such depths over nothing more than a girl?” The sad wizard shook his head. He knew he shouldn’t do this. It went against the Wizard Code. He chanted a magical spell and brought Nathaniel and Gabriel back to life. The other wizards found out and banned him from the Awesome League of Magical Wizards. That’s the end. Hope you liked it.
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