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Captain Sanoguchi
Super Robot
Posts: 3211
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« Reply #11 on: 21 March 2008, 03:20:54 » |
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17, it's quite a turning point for me in my life. In the past year many revelations have taken place in my being. I've learned the value of hardwork, I've learned to take responsibility for things I've done, I've taken the bettering of myself into my own hands. I've matured a great deal in my own mind, I feel as though I've discarded who I once was, but at the same time I haven't become anything I wasn't before. As if I'm the same person I've always been, but now better. Stronger, mentally and emotionally if not physically. Not like a caterpillar into a butterfly, I've never felt that I've need to change like that, I don't wish to change in such a superficial way. It's more like I was a tadpole, and I've now become a frog. I'm still quite an unpleasant sight to behold, but now I live with less fear, I've decided to break free from the pond I was confined to, but I still don't wish to stray too far away. I know I sound like I'm not satisfied with my state of being, but really I am, I'm choosing to be realistic about it. I was fine with who I was before, I merely improved myself because I saw the need for it, I had no choice in the matter really, growing and maturing is a natural part of a human's life. I've learned to overcome the trials of my childhood and my teenage years. Oh those awkward years of change, where nothing seemed to ever stay the same, where I finally grew so I could see above things, physically and socially. The world became a brighter place for me, my out look became more positive, but it was also bright enough that I could nearly see straight through everything. It was a point where my mind grew, I couldn't look at things and judge them by appearance anymore. I began to constantly think about the world around, changes I needed to make. So the renaissance in my own existence continued. I know at this point in my life I think I know everything about anything that matters, but that will soon end, for soon I will have to end this chapter of my life. I can't help but feel sad that my time as an adolescent is ending. It feels so alien to me that I'm beginning to miss this period of my life, but it feels so similar to a time long ago when I realized I was no longer a child. Life really is short. Though I spent many hours sitting around doing nothing I often felt like times would never end. As a child I would lay in the grass in my backyard and just look up at the sky, I couldn't feel it at the time, but now I understand why that felt so good to me, it was as if time didn't move. Such lazy afternoons, everything so tranquil. I sometimes find myself wishing I could go back to times as simple as that. I always thought if I could, I'd go back and do everything, but then I think of who I am today and how much I've improved as an individual. If I truly take the time to think about it I always come to the conclusion that if I could go back I'd do everything the same, no matter how much it hurt. Humans as a race usually improve most during times of hardship. I realize even though I like to lie to myself that I'm above the status of a regular human being I truly am human. Nearly everything I've gained as a sentient being has come from a trial I've faced. So as I said before, if I had to live my life all over again I would make all the same choices I made before, no matter how much it would hurt me again. Because really, for a boy in a moderately wealthy family in a nice safe neighborhood I think I've had my fair share of challenges. I mean I was 'that guy' in elementry school, everyone would pick on me and I would encourage them by constantly trying to fight back with no idea what I was doing, I was often treated like I had a disease. I'm even sorry to say at one point the actions of my schoolmates were influenced by an ignorant teacher. I cried often during those years, but inside I feel as though I became a stronger person from all that. Then in middle school I was 'that #####' because standing up for people who are different automatically makes you gay. I'd have to say my young life hit an all time low at that point. I was treated less like I had a disease and more like I wasn't even a person. I seriously felt as though I was suffering a punishment I neither deserved nor could survive. I constantly had things thrown at me because if my awkward shape, I was quite the 'porker' at the time and the gynecomastia really didn't help. I seriously began losing faith in the human race for awhile, I'd never felt such hate as I did during those three awful years. It constantly felt like I was all alone, no one was ever on my side. I was surrounded by those who enjoyed my pain and those who turned a blind eye to it even when I would tell them about the problems occurring they would wave me away telling me I was mistaken and foolish. When surrounded by those who would actually cause physical pain to me the only option I could ever think to resort to was violence, and it was always only I who was punished. It also was great how my brother always had my back, constantly getting into fist fights with me because he wanted to look like a tough guy in front of idiots he wanted to impress, and it was always so wonderful when he'd tell his 'friends' that it was fine for them to hit me. I especially loved how my Dad listened to me and respected my feelings. Yup, I loved how he made me play football even though I said I really didn't want to and it made me miserable to be around a bunch of big sweaty douche bags who instead of being like team mates were more like tormentors to me. Things never went my way. Somehow I made it through thanks to one person. I believed then and to this very day that it's all thanks to one influential man that I survived through those terrible times. I will always remember that person who gave me the means to realize what I wanted to do, who I wanted to be. Now in the present day I'm actually feeling pretty good, I enjoy waking up every morning and going to do what needs to be done. Recently I've been doing much more work than anyone else around me, because I sat around doing nothing for so long, I guess you could say now I'm doing better than my best but it still isn't enough. All in all I'm actually happy where I am now, I care very little about the opinions of those I don't care for, I no longer think twice about raising my voice and speaking my opinion, I now stand strong behind what I believe in and am only swayed when and if I am shown the error in what I'm doing. I know the way I am often puts people off and offends them, and I'm seriously sorry for that, but I'm not going to let that stop me from being who I want to be and doing what I want to do. I'm going to try and be nicer in the future to everyone. Speaking of the future, I'm elated thinking of what the 17th year of my existence will offer me, circumstances in my control and beyond my control seem to have lined up quite nicely lately. I can only assume it will continue to get better, no, I can do more than assume, I can work for a better future for myself.
Yeah, thanks guys, birthdays are great and stuff.
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Author
