Ditz The Fox! 1.

[Majikn]

Antagonist. "Doc" is an antagonist.

That's all I'm going to say.

Actually it's not all I'm going to say. I skipped to page five and my eyes glittered with happiness.

Jesus, at least when I parodied DBZ when I was like, 11, it was about sentient frogs of different colours who had different powers related to their colour. And they were all named after Nerds flavours.

[Fatso]

Haven't we all been there at least once?

Me and Starcraft... aaaahhhh.

The difference, of course, is that I actually became decent at writing from it.

[ChaosVortex]

This can't be serious. And I'm fitting to put it on YTMND as one of those "A Dramatic Reading" things.

How is babby formed?

[Mikero]

Mike, the sad thing is, no "literary troll" would write THAT much.

A literary troll would do EXACTLY that. Like, I could literally literary-troll until my ligaments are littered with laceractions and I develop leprosy from a lack of a laundered locale and an abundance of lethargy. YEAH.

And they were all named after Nerds flavours.

That's actually pretty funny.

[Jaker]

Skip to page 10 or 11 tell me if its still the worst 

[Fatso]

It's not the worst. It's merely so close to the worst that it may just as well be lumped in.

[NovaMan XP]

Speaking of Jakes, I just realized our lovable mushroom Jakey is online for the first time in forever.

[Snare]

Where? I want to have a word with him. Why, he's going to get the biggest lickin' of his life!


And not the good kind.

[von Teelio]

Jaker? Try revisiting... the entire story.

[Mikero]

Skip to page 10 or 11 tell me if its still the worst 

No. It's not possible any part of this could be remotely worth reading.

[Panda]

Is each chapter one paragraph?

[Chron]

Jaker, I read your story and decided to revise it.
I put strikes through everything that either had a grammatical error, wasn't important to the story, wasn't spelled properly, wasn't entertaining or all of the above.

I've uploaded my revisions to this post.

[Fatso]

I don't even have to open that to know what it looks like now

[Johncarllos]

teehee, silly Chron.

[ChaosVortex]

Jaker, I read your story and decided to revise it.
I put strikes through everything that either had a grammatical error, wasn't important to the story, wasn't spelled properly, wasn't entertaining or all of the above.

I've uploaded my revisions to this post.

... Actually, I'd say "THE END" was quite necessary, seeing it was oh I don't know, the end of story?

[Chron]

You can't have an ending without a story.

[von Teelio]

Somehow that whole post of yours Chron, made me ROFL.

[Majikn]

Not that I ever see "The End" written when I'm on the last page of a book or anything.

Unless it's like a children's book, and I haven't read any of those in years.

[Mikero]

It's too bad strikethrough doesn't work on superscript, 'cause now the story is all "Nd nd nd nd th".

I love that even the date it was written and the author's name are struck out.

[Chron]

I leave no stone unturned.

I'm also lazy and love Ctrl+A

[saldite]

Well, I decided to read the story regardless of what my better judgement and everyone else had said about it.
...I made it to the fifth sentence before I had to quit.

Jaker is it?
How exactly did you come up with such an atrocious, antigrammatical piece-o'-##### as this?

This is the worst literature I have ever read.
...I should have really listened to my better judgement, and chose not to read any of this crap.

Oh, and Chron, I love the revision.
Although, it's really more than this story (if you can even call it that) deserves.

[Mikero]

If I thought this was a serious attempt at story writing, I would feel bad for this kid right now as we are being rather mean about it all, forsaking all kinds of subtlety and modern manners. But what are modern manners, these days? The internet sustains pleasantries like FEMA rescues flood victims.

Anyway what I'm saying is, this is atrocious, yeah. It's so bad, it must be a farce. But, if I put myself in the shoes of someone putting up an honest work and having it tenderized like this, I'd be very upset.

But since this was clearly a crude attempt at some lampoon, say whatever you want. I just think too much.

[ChaosVortex]

I didn't want to overly bash it because I knew it'd be coming anyway, and for that reason as well. I would've replied differently, had the author presented it in a more mature manner.

I probably would've still said "this sucks", but the kick to the nads would've been softer.

[Chron]

If I thought this was a serious attempt at story writing, I would feel bad for this kid right now as we are being rather mean about it all, forsaking all kinds of subtlety and modern manners. But what are modern manners, these days? The internet sustains pleasantries like FEMA rescues flood victims.

Anyway what I'm saying is, this is atrocious, yeah. It's so bad, it must be a farce. But, if I put myself in the shoes of someone putting up an honest work and having it tenderized like this, I'd be very upset.

But since this was clearly a crude attempt at some lampoon, say whatever you want. I just think too much.

I think it's way too huge to be a crude attempt at lampoon.

It looks like a "serious effort" to me.
Either genuine or lampoon.

[Mikero]

Well by "crude" I mean it wasn't a good job at it, not for lack of trying. This one clearly tried very hard to be funny. But like with his writing, he failed at that too.

[Jaker]

Now heres one thing im gonna say... If you dont have anything nice to say dont say it at all. 

[NovaMan XP]

If you don't have anything good to show us don't show us at all.

[ChaosVortex]

Now heres one thing im gonna say... If you dont have anything nice to say dont say it at all. 

Can't expect all your works to be sweet, pumpkin.

Just try better next time. In a roundabout way, that's what's going on. This is hardly creative.

[Chron]

Hell, I've read better Dragon Ball Z fan fiction.

But then you can only expect so much from a Sonic obsessed pre-teen.

[Jaker]

Do i even get any credit for the story??

[NovaMan XP]

Well uh...

It's something.

[Captain Sanoguchi]

No, it was most bogus, dude.

[Chron]

Do i even get any credit for the story??

You wrote a lot of words.
I'll give you that you wrote a lot of words.
I wish you had arranged them better, but the sheer volume of words is at least worth some merit, I guess.

Why did you name the title character "Ditz"?

[ChaosVortex]

That's some pig.

There ya go.

[Jaker]

How would you guys like it if you made a story, but people said it sucked?

[ChaosVortex]

It'd tell me that my story sucked, and I need to improve.

[Captain Sanoguchi]

I'd stop whining and try to write one that didn't suck so hard.

[Mikero]

There was a story? When? Where?

[Jaker]

Ok if you guys dont like it. Oh well.

[Fatso]

I'd stop whining and try to write one that didn't suck so hard.

QFT and backed with first-hand experience.

[NovaMan XP]

Trust me, I think alot of people have gone through something like this in SOME way... like I used to make incredibly #####ty sprite comics with recolors and etc.

I eventually improved, and then quit because I didn't want to do it anymore but... I DID improve.

You just have to take the criticism like a man and just try to improve on it.

[Jaker]

on a bar from one to ten what would you rate this story?
 
 
 

[Captain Sanoguchi]

Awful.

[NovaMan XP]

THAT ISN'T A NUMBER YOU BIG FAT STUPID FACE

[preventerWIND]

Well, you could understand most of it. But theres no originality whatsoever, and without that the story disintegrates into nothing.

2/10

[Jaker]

how should i improve??

[ChaosVortex]

Seriously man. Don't pout. We're not kicking at you for the fun of it, it's the story. Obviously, this kind of stuff won't fly here (and Sonic? Seriously?). Revisit the story. You asked how we liked it, so we responded. You don't have to cut your wrist over it.

If you want a positive comment of I can think about it, honestly, this is all I've got...

I've seen worse.

Your pattern of writing definitely needs work. It's all clumped together. Try writing a story chapter by chapter and ask for constructive criticism.

EDIT: Oh, and by the way, I'm not an English major or into creative works like this just yet, so I really don't know what you need work on specifically off the bat. But obviously, it's the organization of the content and the originality.

[Captain Sanoguchi]

Write a story that isn't a recycled piece of crap.
Come up with something original.
Something new and creative.

1) Start with an original concept.
Like a fire breathing cowboy who fights angels, demons, murderous high school students, and his conceived children that he didn't even know about.

2) Give it a story.
Like the cowboy just got done traveling across the globe and has finally settled down in a city where his bounty hunting services are needed, and unknown to him he's actually being used as an advocate for the divine. Oh yeah, and he had a got a lot of women pregnant and left them so they had kids who were all special in their own way 'cause of stuff, like one's a demigod homosexual while another is a wheelchair bound, paralyzed telepath. So like, the kids were all born into hard lives and they blamed their father whom they never knew and stuff, so they all want revenge or something. Eventually they all track him down to the city. It all gets mashed into a bunch of gun battles, explosions, and semi-cliche lines about living and the future and stuff. At least it's interesting.
Also, don't use that, I've been trying to weave that into a good tale for a few years now.

3) Add depth.
Give the story depth. Describe the character's appearances, but not all of their features at once, draw it out a bit. Give all the characters unique personalities. Trying thinking about how they would act in a regular situation. If you don't make the characters have some sense of life or they'll all just be cardboard cutouts.
Never write things like 'They fight!' or 'He walked.' Make everything sound interesting.

Yeah, do stuff better.

[Fatso]

Think.

Writing is about a lot of thinking. Thinking about style, thinking about characters, thinking about plot, just THINKING in general. The writing part should happen automatically at that point.

[preventerWIND]

I've seen far worse, the key thing is originality. You have characters with different names, big whoop, they're still sonic rip off's. Hedgehog's, echidna's, foxes? Please, none of that sonic fur#####ry thx.